Furries (Declaration of WAR)

The tawny hare, the snowy fox chased the guilty priest
into the golden closet full of expensive wigs and bright red lipsticks
where the russet lady and the casual dominatrix compared notes from a dripping notebook.
Then, the furry friend ladled the smelly concoction over everything
and you turn to him and said’This isn’t me, get out of my bed, I don’t love you anymore, get out of my head,’
A giant rabbit opened the door and daylight flooded in drenching you
in Rabbits cum, ‘Take the handle and pull yourself out!’ you command
but there you lie sopping and wet
pathetic and drowning
in another’s mourning
another’s mourning.
race car red
get out of
I want to take out a boat
and row into the lake
and I don’t need
you kind
You’ll regret it
said he goadingly.
You don’t know the half of it.
You’ll see. You’ll see. You just don’t abolish me. You will fade into mediocrity. You WILL FAIL!

Still cruisin(like a missile)

I got tired of sitting down and standing up, sitting down, standing up so I decided

to take a walk. And with my eyes open as far as they would go I walked and I met people I did speak to and chat but something quickened my step. It was the thought of being late for dinner. So I stepped that bit quicker and said hello that bit quicker and still I was going to be late for dinner so I stepped that bit quicker still, and still made time to say hello and goodbye and nice to meet you. I looked at my watch and noticed that it had different time zones. This writing made me wonder what it would be like to travel  through time zones but to still be on time for dinner. If I was flying would I still be in a rush? Where would I eat dinner? At my destination or on the plane or before I left? There were two people to go before I reached my gate. Would I acknowledge them reciprocally or would I cruise on past like a missile? My Hush Puppies were making loud noises in my head and they said nothing like’Come to bed’ so I tried to make them loud by stamping my feet waving hello and saying ‘good morning! How Do You Do?’ At the top of my voice. I tripped and fell my arm out before me like a stanchion, aluminium. It did not break but It hurt like Jiminy Cricket. Right in The Wicket. The people stared at me like I was real but no-one helped me to my feet. With stanchion arm intact I examined my hand for damage as that’s where the pain was coming from. I noticed a bit of grit had come between my outstretched palm and the floor and a bit of dust and some small piece of paper. It said to me You are a broom before I remembered dinner. I twisted my watch on my stanchion and did a double take. I was late and in pain. So I checked ahead. No more people. There was my gate. I was late but OK.

Tied Down

I was cruising the blackness between Alpha Centauri and BackStation121 when I had to stop. For out of the sky was coming flowers of all colours and dimensions. Like someone had cut a whole between SkyDrive and Planet Bud. And I could do nothing so I turned on the Radio and listened a while to a tune I had never heard before. I noticed the flow was decreasing so I got ready to move off just before a giant plant pot with the word DISEASED written by hand on a label on its base came out and tumbled off into space along with the rest.

A noise escaped me and I half grinned before putting her back into gear and moving off to finish my journey home.

Space Travel

Space travel is a perilous adventure. Asteroids, Space dust, cosmic rays can all clog filters or knock you out of orbit, hurtling you towards the nearest sun. So imagine my surprise when on holiday I found myself cruising towards the pleasure planet of Sol550 and happened to see a fighter class frigate half-way between a fatal collision with a sun and annihilation by a laser beam from enemy cruisers attacking as a pack. With only a radio and a light sabre for self-defence, all I could do was to watch on as the frigate dodged the attack from the attacking cruisers while on a trajectory taking it right towards the burning surface of the sun. Time and time again the cruisers circled and then attacked in formation sending deadly pulses of weapons class laser beams towards the helpless frigate and time after time the frigate managed to dodge and weave around them and return fire damaging the attacking ships and still avoiding the gravitational pull of the sun.

I pulled up from my ascent towards the pleasure planet and tried to radio for assistance but as luck would have it I was out of range of the police force. I sent instead a message in semaphore to all surrounding craft in an emergency code I remembered from college many years passed. Then, with a knot in my stomach I sat and watched and waited for help to arrive.


Star Goth Techno Raver

21, yrs old. 5′ 8″ Fit, smart dresser. likes box sets, going to the gym, music and my cat.

22, yrs old. 5′ 2″ Sociable, private dancer seeks master for nights out and in. NSFW.

23, yrs old. 4′ 10″ .

‘The page rips off at that point. There is some biro around an asterisk placed next to the first two entries ,’ said DC Spencer to his senior boss.

‘At what time would you put the time of death?’ asked DI Connely to the campus pathologist cum science liason officer.

‘Between breakfast and first lessons I would say. He has been in the shade under that bush all day. It’s a pity nobody here walks dogs else we would have found him earlier. Dogs always go for large flesh wounds like that,’

‘SNIFF THEM OUT Boys!’ shouted DI Connelly to the team of uniformed and non-uniformed officers armed with tablets, pens and notebooks who would canvas the 2500 strong college campus asking the usual questions whenever they sniffed more than youthful enthusiasm for the police enquiries prompts.

‘Who was acting suspiciously? asked DC Spencer

‘Idiot. He was chewing the white pen top when he was holding the blue marker pen drawing on his bag. He’s Aspie. Would never mix pen tops. strict like that he is. And he was wearing his Calvin Kleins Boxer Shorts but today is Tuesday not Wednesday. Don’t you see? He would never do that.’ said Clara.

‘Who was acting suspiciously? His name..?’ added DC Spencer helpfully

‘IDIOT!’ shouted Clara to someone behind her in the dorm.

‘His name?’ repeated DC Spencer.

The door slammed in his face. There was a scream and shouting inside the dorm then it went quiet.

The Student ambassador who was accompanying him shrugged her shoulders and pointed at her watch.’ I have to leave now’ before running off down the hall towards the double doors and the stairway.

DC Spencer shrugged. It had been that sort of day. There’s only a needle in three thousand staff and students haystack that a team of thirteen officers can get through. He would take a photo of the Dorm and make notes on his tablet. Nothing more to do. Poor kid. Had been a Grade A student like me thought DC Spencer. Time for some Joe.


Say, Stan

Say, Stan, Wheres it at?

You’ve done your fair share, of raping and pillaging

And corporate shakedowns and takeovers, asset stripping and budget cutting

rainforest felling, oil spilling, genocide and wholesale slaughter, Carbon dumping

price hiking, profiteering, manipulating, extorting, snorting and extortion?

Say Stan? I started small but now I madden everyone I speak to. I curl everything dry with fire, I spread disease from my test tube and make everyone into a liar. Won’t you help me curse the briar woods first then onto the people next seven billion to tumble at your behest? We would make quite a  team you and I killing off religion and humanity wherever it do hide. You can take the virgins and I’ll have the rest

Say Stan? We could infect the computers, handheld devices steal credit cards and fix the prices of the hordes, and infiltrate the restaurants and poison the food supply, replace rat poison with Flouride and breed an army of rats to overthrow our cities and ruin their pride.

Say Stan, Let me show you a presentation. See this graph here is all the souls and your projected collection is 100 percent by the time they are all fifteen years old.

Let’s have whispering and secrets and no forgiveness and lies everywhere lies. And poverty and isolation and big hairy flies. And bile and crime and fear and doubt and cheating and bending then breaking the rules. Let’s have incest, abortion and broken glass in pies, Let’s have banana skins and superstition and pointy sticks, broken homes, poor management and expense accounts. We can do it all!

Say, Stan, You’re looking rather cool, you don’t take me for a fool. I got  it all from a book by Be Hells -Ze Bub.

What are you doing Stan? Don’t lift me up so high. Don’t push me over the edge. I’m scared of heights. Whatever don’t let me go? Please don’t let me go…

(falling 200 storeys down)

Say, Stan, This isn’t so bad. I can see a swimming pool below and what looks like a giant marshmallow. And there’s this An Girl falling too and she looks nothing like you. In fact, I’d say she has a heart of gold in the right place and now I look there’s more around me falling too. And they speak of golden birds in cages and red hue and I don’t know you anymore Stan. You saved me! An- girls! from a fate worst than death. Of living to someone evil behest. Thank you. Oh, That ground is coming up mighty fast.

(hits the ground)

Say, Stan, I have grown wings and am free like a bee and all around me I see flowers. And I’m floating upwards of my own accord towards the place where the heavenly father be. And I can feel his love lifting me up higher and higher still and around me others are rising too and some go shooting into the night sky in silver light. That’s where I am going tonight Stan. Seeeee you!

(floats up to Heaven)

Rainbow Son

Red, Orange, Green, blue. The sun shone down on the earth below.

Far, far, away

in a land that time forgot

was a child who was

mourning the loss of his parents

who had been taken by a flood, taken away from the village.

In place of his parents, he had a dragon

who raised him as his own.The dragon

placed him with people in the community

so that he would have a well-rounded image

of the world and its people in it as he grew up.

But the child was a bad child and hated the

memory of his parents so the dragon punished

the child with words that had no meaning, colours

that held no charm and for his bedroom, he punished him by making him sleep in the cold brown, barn.

One day the child was walking the mountains and he saw it began to rain in the distance

and the child was bored for the weather but  then from behind a cloud came the sun and made a rainbow in the sky.

the child forgot his woes and whooped and jumped up and down in the air pointing to the apparition in the sky. he asked What is it, sir? (For the dragon always had him call him sir.) Its the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you are feeling son said the dragon. And that is an illusion. Now come along. Then the sun went behind a cloud again and the rain moved overhead slowly soaking them to the skin. And they walked home.

Now it was a few years later that the rainbow boy from the neighbouring village came to visit. In his hair, he had ribbons the colours of the rainbow. He wore bells on his wrists and wore tight white breeches, and wore rainbow coloured boots.

The dragon was outside chopping wood for the fire and the dragons son was inside doing chores when there was a knock at the door.

The dragons boy answered ‘I’ll be there for a minute then he opened the door wide and saw, rainbow boy.

Rainbow boy smiled at him and the dragons boy, Jim was his name, smiled back and invited him inside. The rainbow boy made no move to come inside but pulled brightly coloured cloths from his clothes and began to do a dance . He skipped around back and forth  twirled the ribbons this way and that wheeling his arms faster and faster until he reached behind his head and pulled from his hood a rainbow flag, which he shook in front of him the bells on his wrists jangling gently.Then he went down on one knee and bowed his head to the boy.

The boy applauded his performance and the rainbow boy took off his hat and held it in front of him proffering it for a donation of some kind.

The dragons boy took a look around the room and his eyes lighted upon all sorts of items until he saw some gold coins belonging to the dragon. He ran over to them and picked one up from the top of the pile and then paused. Should he give it to the rainbow boy? Or would he get in trouble with the dragon?. The question was answered prematurely by the dragon walking back indoors. he saw the rainbow boy with his flag out and harrumphed around him. He saw his boy holding one the coins he caught the boys eye and asked ‘Well, son?’

‘Its for  the boy, the rainbow boy over there, sir’ said Jim pointing to where the Rainbow boy was. But by now the rainbow boy had gone and the front door was closed behind him.A look of loss grew on his features and the arm in which he held the dragons golden coin slacked and the golden coin dropped to the floor.

‘Its all an illusion son, All an illusion’ said the dragon patting his head and picking up his golden coin from the floor.’Now finish your chores’

Does Jim find happiness again? Or take up a life of crime? Or does his guardian, the dragon, spoil all his fun until he leaves home? Have a go at writing an ending to the story. Let me know. i love a good story.


Sweet Dreams, Ephraim


Sweet Dreams Ephraim2.png
Sweet Dreams,Ephraim

The road was long, at least, that’s how Ephraim remembered it.


On his way home  and reaching the bottom of his road where the bucket and slop cloth awaited him the following morning. He let out a sigh.

‘That’s one for Mom none for me. Again. At least, the bricks are red and the bucket black and the slop cloth a nice shade of grey and smells nice. And at least, home is still here, and at least, dinner will be on the table and mom will tell me to take off my shoes and put on my slippers and hang up my coat where it belongs. And in the sky, the clouds will float on by without exploding on a summers day in a blue sky. At least, I know that the red balls shine and drop into the pockets without a sound on the snooker table and I know I will cry myself to sleep tonight.’ thought Ephraim as he took his place at the dinner table.

‘How can you eat that meat?’ asked his sister of Ephraim.

‘I dunno. I just sort of chew and up and down it goes.’ said Ephraim without an ounce of malice towards his vegetarian sister.

A disappointed look passed between sister and nobody else in particular.

‘Here’s your vegetarian gravy,’ ‘Now get started, before it gets cold. Ephraim. Elbows.’

And after the washing up was done Ephraim watched Star Trek and then played a little snooker and then went to his room and listened to his tapes. Then his mother came and told him to get ready for bed. He changed into his pyjamas folding his clothes carefully on the back of his chair and depositing his underwear into the Ali-baba on the top of the stairs. Then he got into bed and his mother came around and turned off the lights wishing him good night and pleasant dreams.

Ephraim turned over in his bed hugging his duvet tight. And then he cried for an hour before going to sleep. Later that night, in his dreams dolphins played violins and a big bear wearing a top hat sang a sad tune. It went something like this.

Ephraim. Ephraim.Ephraim.

Why do you misbehave?

Why don’t you do as your mother tells you?

Why do you torment your sister?

Why can’t we trust you?


Ephraim awoke at seven the following morning and was eating his breakfast and looking forward to the afternoon when he would play ball with his neighbour Tom when his mother said to him.

‘Ephraim, those trees need cleaning. I’ll put the kettle on and you get the bucket from outside. MmmK’

‘Mmk, mom.’ said Ephraim looking forward to his afternoon’s playtime.

He went outside and noted the clouds passing by in the otherwise blue sky and thought to himself.’This is a good day, and I’m cleaning now but will be playing this afternoon’

It was at this point that a passing cloud exploded taking out Ephraim his bucket and his house on the street and turning him into ash that fell gently like rain over the big smoking hole that was once his home.

The newspaper reported it as a freak weather cloud pressure abnormality rare and very dangerous. Of course, nobody had mobile phones in the Eighties so the event did not get recorded. Rumours circulated for weeks that Ephraim’s mother had stashed explosives in the outhouse but nobody ever was sure what happened that warm summer day.

Life carried on for everyone else and in naughty children’s dreams the bear still sang and the dolphins played the violin.

Now Ephraim has passed over to our side

And now plays in our band as we go 

into the dreams of children everywhere

Where on his banjo he plucks at their heart strings 

imploring them to see the other side and to be good.


Image Credit http://walnutthereindeer.deviantart.com/art/Sweet-Dreams-Ephraim-599316333


Bluegrass on Rye


Why we should use bluegrass in our curries, when making bread and in general in cooking.

The elements of bluegrass are a smoky concoction of tambourine notes with a piccolo aftertaste not requiring either of the aforementioned instruments. Everyone knows how to make bolognese right? Well here is a new recipe I have for you. Put on some bluegrass. Loudly and let it permeate the very walls of your kitchen. Let it be absorbed by your wooden table top. Let it bounce off the cutlery and assorted hard surfaces and let it flow through the open window in rickety racket bumps and humps that keep the washing on the line flying round and round in double quick time. Crumble an oxo cube letting the sound crumble with the chunks into a pyrex measuring jug. Add Hot water and marvel at the mixture now giving off vapours of bluegrass and beef. Add some spices and dance a bit around the kitchen banging a wooden spoon off every available surface. Add this mixture to the minced beef sauteed in the pan. Add tomatoes, Add celery, add mixed spice, tumeric and parsley. Get hold of some fresh bluegrass and peel off the hard layers with a sharp knife. Chop off the heads and keep till later. Grate the peeled bluegrass stalks into a mortar and pestle. Add butter and a little nutmeg. Grind with the mortar and pestle until fine. Sprinkle the powder into the bolognese mix taking care to get none up your nose and simmer on a medium heat for 30 minutes.

Sit down and relax.  Fall asleep. Wake up throw burned pan into the bin. Order bluegrass takeaway for you and your partner. Enjoy!

Mr SnodGrass

Mr Snodgrass was a punk and a caretaker at St Cuthberts School, Daventry.

He listened to all the pop punk bands and wore his hair in spikes died grey down the middle.

In his nose he wore a silver nose ring

His ears were a pincushion of stones and platinum and silver

In his lip he wore a plug which meant you could see his bottom row of teeth through it.

You could find him sweeping up leaves and litter in the corners of the playground

Kids would call him Wolfy and then he would chase them saying he was going to eat them up or blow down their straw houses.

There was a rumour going around the teachers at the school that he had slept with the headmistress but in truth he had a steady girlfriend, Ruth.

Ruth, ‘the Truth’ was a legal secretary at the local law firm and her hobbies included running, drinking and live music.

Every Tuesday night Ruth would come around to the caretakers house where they would order Chinese food and wash it down with a bottle of wine or two and listen to music or watch a DVD . Ruth lives only a five minute walk away from Wolf so they got on like a house on fire.

One day…Ruth proposed that she and Wolf should get married.

Wolf accepted and then one fine April day they got married at the local Anglican Church. Wolf’s friends came around with their nose rings and spiky hairs and Ruths boss from work and her friends came from all around  and they partied until the early hours of the morning.

They settled down in the caretakers house and soon a baby was on the way. Ruth the Truth said to Wolf. ‘I love you, I want your baby but you must agree I cannot call you Wolfie any longer. Wolfie is no name for a father’

So Wolfie changed his name from Wolf to Pooch and died his hair white which gave all the kids at school a fright and his friends deserted him and soon rumours were going round the school that not only had Wolfie lost his cool but that he had to ask permission to change the channel on the television at home.

The baby was born nine months later and when deciding a name Ruth The Truth gave Pooch a task to complete. To go through the baby name book and to pick an appropriate name for their newborn baby.

Pooch studied the book day and night for two weeks. After work, in the spare room he would sit poring over the book and write different names down on pieces of paper and stick them with blu-tack to the wall and then pace backwards and forwards holding his chin in his hand and scratching his head. Then after narrowing it down to ten names he threw away the nine remaining and looked at one name with a big smile on his face. It was decided. He had chosen a name.

Everyone was waiting. The schoolchildren were waiting. The teachers at the school were waiting. Even the headmistress was interested. Ruth was being asked at work by her colleagues what the name of the baby was going to be but she had said. That decision belongs with Poochy.

Poochy left a message on the phone at Ruths work and told his wife that he had chosen a name for the baby and that its was going to be called ‘……’. Ruth ‘The Truth’ Snodgrass wasted no time at all. She asked a collegue to draw up divorce papers on the grounds of ‘Unreasonable Behavior’ then she called her parents and said she was moving back home until she could get her own place with the baby.

All this happened very quickly and some changes were happening just as quickly to Pooch. After Ruth and the baby left home he changed his name back to Wolf and he dyed his hair again with a grey streak down the middle, just like he used to have it styled. The kids in the play ground were giving him respect again and he was chasing them once more. He slept with the headmistress who came to work with a smile on her face and when she saw Wolfy she would wolf whistle him and he would wave to her broom in hand.

The kids in the playground were impressed. Once they heard what the name of the baby was to be called never grew tired of repeating it to each other.

They said things like. ‘Rad’, ‘Cool’ and ‘awesome’ and talked about the name in hushed tones with awe in their voices.

The divorce went through quickly and the story was even picked up by the local paper who printed the name of the baby on the front page. ‘……..GATE’ read the headline.

20 Years later it was time to retire for Wolf and days before  his planned do he had a heart attack and died. When the people were clearing out his belongings they found a box containing newspaper cuttings and a piece of paper with a name on it. It read ‘……’

The story was revived by the local newspaper which was now being ran by the old headmistress daughter with the byline ‘Wolf In Pooches Clothing – STILL UNFORGIVEN BY WIFE 20 YEARS LATER’

You might be surprised to know that the name Wolf chose for his baby wasn’t derived from legal nomenclanture history or Greek or Roman Mythology but was the simple name ‘……..’