The reason for getting gout of bed

Can’t be bothered for getting out of bed for anything other than sex? If so you have found the right place!

Ipsum great! If you enjoy sex like me then you will no doubt know that it affects your spirituality.

Sex with a partner can be uplifting as well as satisfying. A long-lasting sexual relationship can bring satisfaction to an otherwise meaningless life. I am no doctor but I know that getting laid is better than any pill.

Medical exceptions apply.

So if like me you spend meaningless days wondering if your existence really matters, there is always the opportunity to get laid!

I don’t quite know how I ended up here doing nothing but typing words into my keyboard about sex but here I am.

And I want you to know that I fully understand your reasons for abstaining.

Abstination can be fulfilling in its own way – imagine the M1 without any cars. it’s still a pretty sight,

And today media will always put up a fight. I mean who wants to know who the latest big celeb is screwing/how cheap plasterboard is these days? I mean what I am saying no-one will trust you! Bargains beware!!

As I ponder my pint I wonder how I am going to type the next words. Sexuality is all in the head. I know it sounds crude but how can you let the few difficulties in your life get in the way of your head? I mean if God didn’t want you to get head then he wouldn’t have given you the equipment would he?

I am 46 years old so don’t get laid that often enough but I know how it can improve your life. So if you want to talk  then get in touch


One Liners

‘Fire a harpoon into the past…’

She was beautiful…

I’ve got to get out of here…

No time like the present…

Or the past…

‘Fire a harpoon into the past…’

I should like that…

I do like that..

Fire a harpoon into the past

Faces, faces, I’m coming last

(coming at last)

I’m coming at last…

I’m coming at last…


I never thought I’d get out of there…

Your Ears May Burn

She was tall
But never close enough
to feel
Pretend is more fun
Forensic timeline pathology
intersected by blooms
and stray insects
French language labs
someone pulled the blinds
and one eye clouds over from behind.
Check your thirst on wine
not yet finished. Plentiful supply.
Good vintage. Regarde. Tu Attende?
Too soon! Why did you stop?
Real is better, son.
Salvaged scorn plans unborn
Get Friday, Friday, Friday!
voir the vore, Tame the whore
Take a backseat a while
your star is in the ascension
You will be reborn.
Into the same but different
A new day. Something like before.
A chance to prove yourself this time.
Before you scorn, the fire in your ear.

Burning Ear by alphaNicobaralpha

©2017 Andrew Watkins


Men In Towels

After the sauna, I knew I had a temperature problem. They just kept on pouring water onto the hot coals and for the next week, I couldn’t regulate my own temperature. One minute I’d be inside wearing a wooly jumper and boiling next id be outside in a t-shirt freezing while the sun was out. It’s all men in towels really and porn and lager on tap with television. if you wanted to know. 😉 I had his phone number, though. All in all, it had been a successful visit.

Now I needed to cool down,

I try to make something of my past experiences make them pay in the present sort of thing. It’s not rocket science but…I think my mind is out of sync with my body and consciousness. if it were in sync I would know because there would be a fucking great big green light shining in front of my eyes but these days all I see is flashing amber and mostly red.

How can I function? I have to work. I have to socialize. I have family and extended family. Fucking hell I have mates. We do things like pull birds and I’m the entertainment sort of thing. I hate it. I love it. Perhaps If my mind was in sync I’d be the one pulling the birds and some other sad sack would be the stooge. It’s not difficult. All the self-help books say focus on the positive. accentuate the positive and all that bollocks. I think I am. I missed, therefore. But you get the gist mate don;t you. Get me a coffee.

I’m talking to myself again, not a good sign. maybe if I was in sync I wouldn’t be like this. I’d be more floating like rice plants in a sea of ambergris. The sound of whales singing. What did you say Gay? Oh please. give it up.

So do I call him ‘NO’ is the answer? I got his number but he got mine too if you know what I mean. I wouldn’t let him fuck me like he wanted to. it’s all fucking marmite to me. You either love me or you fucking hate me bitch. get that straight in the kisser baby.

And he fucking loved me. Asked me out. Don’t need to brag. The truth is made flesh blasphemy number one. He is my god. blasphemy number two. I sucked gods cock. blasphemy number three.!

I feel like I am in sync. Congrats, Hurrah!

Easier than sex


You made it harder but easier than sex

I am getting by but that’s hardly a record

I am nostalgic for painful separations

Must be something in the air.

There is something that kills me

and it’s not the memory of my time with you

You’re not here now and that’s a shame

but now I have to stand literate and proud

I couldn’t live with you. I can’t live alone.

I have tried to trace you but that did not work

I am settled for the time being settled in shame

How can I look for you when I need someone to blame

for the fragments. I have glued into shape A swan in an envelope

couldn’t be more absurd than the garden I tend.

A complacent confidence given in an aside. I need to have faith

in the other side to continue on my quest (to be the best)

When will I see you again? Soon?

I am second best next to you. Jesus would have to argue

but he threw tables out of the temple too

perhaps he has something in common with you

or perhaps I’m crazy or perhaps you are.

Yours Sincerely



Notwithstanding, I will continue


*******Warning: Adult Themes*******


Scene: Aboard a Steam riverboat cruiser ‘Miss Dolly’ USA, 1910.

‘Not as I am accustomed to public speakaling I will do my uppity to continue in the style I have become accustomed’ said the compare, putting on what he hoped was his cheeriest sounding voice.

‘It is with a great sense of pride that I announce the speakaling for today. Rowbottom muck spreader filthy tart… who has crawled up from the depths of the muddy brown stagnant pool he inhabits for a holiday aboard the steamer ‘Miss Dolly’. Unbeknownst until now.’

Honk, Honk went the onboard tannoy. The guest takes center stage.

‘Ahem, Good evening ladies and jelly babies. Tonight I expose a coverup. ‘

Hushed awe.

‘Ahem, Ladies and Jellybeans. Tonight I announce a big jelly cup.’

Muttering resumes.

‘Ahem Ladies and jelly wotsits. Tonight I assume the role of Whistleblower!’

‘For tonight, I will expose…’

Tutting and heavy breathing…

‘Tonight ladies and gentleman For your tantalization. A wonder. Nay An extreme event. Nay A miracle! Speakaling David Didion!’ said the compare.

Applause and whooping.

‘Ladies and Jellybeans. David Didion!’ David Didion claps himself

‘Good evening, good evening all. Now take a look at my hands. See they are holding a pack of cards. now I will perform for you a trick..’


‘If I can have a volunteer please’

Volunteer shoved forwards.

‘Hello. What is your name?’ ‘Lisa. Welcome, Lisa. I want you to pick out a card from the pack, any card will do. OK?’

Lisa nods.

‘Now don’t tell which card it keeps it to yourself OK’

Lisa nods and takes a card from the pack.

‘What is the card, Lisa.

‘Seven of Spades’ says Lisa.

‘Fail.Fail.Fail.Fail.Fail.Fail. Womanhood has failed to keep a secret! Fail’

Laughing and cheers from the audience.

Lisa walks away.

‘Go away and walk you unredeemed whore’ says David Didion.

The audience cheers.

Compare looks upset and interrupts the speaker cutting off his mike.

‘Ladies and gentlemen we interrupt this broadcast to bring you a live broadcast..’

Sound over the tannoy system aboard the boat.

‘Well, I really love her…actually’

The compare smiles a beaming smile.

Then a different voice comes over the tannoy.

‘What did she say?’

‘She said she’d think about it,’

‘that’s good…’

‘I know I can’t bear to think of her all …undecided,’

New voice…

‘And at KWZT we have a news report…A Man overcomes his emotions and accepts leap year proposal!’

‘Oh she’ll never agree,’

‘Be patient. Wait. Until Friday. Then you can ask her again’


The crowd is silent. The Compare adjusts the mike sending feedback through the speakers.

‘Sorry ladies and gentlemen we seem to have a slight technical problem.’ More feedback

‘One of the speakers explodes showering white dust over the audience. The audience laughs.

‘Sorry ladies and gentlemen’ says the compare wearily

‘Tonight for you delectation…all the way from Russia…Wanderlust’ says the compare with a groan.


‘Good evening ladies and Gentlemen. I am Wanderlust (bows to audience)’


‘I come from Russia from the steppes of cold Siberia. From the plateaus of Vladivostok to St Petersberg there is not a whorehouse, hen party or town and village church I have not desecrated, No?’,’Where is my wenches, Yes?’

Cheers from the audience.

‘Bring out the wenches’ shouts Wanderlust

A few cheers from the audience.

‘Bring out the wenches!’ he shouts again. The crowd cheer louder.

The compare takes the stage again shoving off Wanderlust.

‘And now for Wholesome George…’ he says with a desperate smile.’Wholesome George!’

Wholesome George takes the spotlight. He is wearing a beige suit and is wearing a Panama and navy deck shoes ‘ The compare looks pleased with him.

‘Good evening ladies and guests and gentlemen. Tonight I will tell you all of how I fucked women on five different continents whilst writing my book. Fuck story From Gibraltar to the Bahamas on five different continents’.

Applause and whooping from the audience…

Compare shoves wanderlust to the ground then takes a revolver and levels it at his forehead.

‘Enough’ Interrupts the compare,’Enough’

The boat goes silent.

‘Haven’t you had enough of sex, misogyny, and more fucking sex? Isn’t it about time we had something nice to write home about? Wouldn’t you like to tell your kids a true story of how you enjoyed your riverboat cruise entertainment without the tawdry smut and sex without lying?’

Silence greets him like a newfound friend. All eager to please.

‘Shut Up. Bring back wholesome George’ shouted a member of the audience.

Soon the whole audience is chanting in unison.

‘Wholesome George.Wholesome George.Wholesome George’

‘That’s enough,’ shouts Wholesome George getting to his feet.’ Let the man thing speak’

Laughs from the audience.

‘ I do this for the good of humanity’ Shouts the compare and pulls the trigger.

There is a spray of blood and a loud bang and the compare falls off the stage onto the deck of the boat the gun tumbling from his fingers.

A loud sigh from the audience. Someone shouts ‘Sick bastard’

Then the crowd begins muttering again.

‘Oh God’ says Wholesome George falling to his knees. ‘Oh God’


In this fictional short story, we saw how someone was pushed  to suicide. What pushed him this far? Was it the debased nature of the acts he introduced? Or were it financial troubles? Was his love for himself outweighed by his love for humanity so much that he made the ultimate sacrifice to prove his love for humanity, above all else? Unfortunately, He can never tell.

Suicide support. Can suicide be prevented? Perhaps if Samaritans had been around he wouldn’t have pulled the trigger. Their numbers are below. There is also a website

Telephone Samaritans (UK) 116 123

Samaritans (US) 1 (800) 273-TALK

Each note

To the ears…music is good

Each note was sung. Bleach.

And dirty glam the best.

Gary Gonads sex pest.

You don’t know what I want to do to you

But you can imagine.

I’m coming up from behind

with one thing in mind,

only to come.

Explode in you.

And make you whole.

It’s my service of your cervix

that I do for you.

Let’s rob their houses and cars

leave them presents in jars

of centipedes and rodents

alive with maggots and flies and scents.

Smear Antlers in shit and hang them from the rooftops

nothing so visceral as a skinned rat under the pillow

or in the microwave oven. Ha, make it so.