CCA

Clusterfuck

OK, I have just started a company-Clusterfuck Credit Agency.
I am recruiting for the following positions:
CTO: Salary £250,000
MD: Salary £100,000
CFO: Salary 100, 000 plus Stock Options
7xIT Administrators Salary £5,000pw
Accountants Salary £45,000 x8
Cleaner: Stock options plus expenses

Please apply with real CV listing your achievements, social media profiles, address, age, name.

Teachers welcome!

Mission Statement
Our goal at CCA is to broaden participation in the wonderful world. Of Books. Our mission statement is to broaden participation in the wonderful world of books. Fuck the money!

Our headquarters are going to be located in the digital quarter to reflect our love of books.

Our mission statement is all you need!

Apply Now!

BREXIT

Just landed Singapore Landing Gear Searchlight ISIS AGAIN!
I don’t know I was really looking forward to a good HOLIDAY!
Do you know what I mean?

Stuck in a timewarp with R.E.M. playing on the radio
It’s the perpetuation of ISIL that makes me play this old shit. Go and vote!
I got bills to pay. Hip Hip Hurrah! I am paRT OF THE PROBLEM.
Stick two fingers up at the naked ambition (NOT) of our foreign secretary
Stick a but plug up the Home Office
Get WRECKED! ha ha ha ah ah aha ah
I will give you a handful of soil, Britain if you let things go this time.
I haven’t got any FUCKING COFFEE!
PASS ME A CIDER PLEASE.
Today Pleeeeeeeease!

 

There’s no pleasing some people! :)

I’m On The Board of WI

I’ve become stick thin but my skin is so thick you can scratch it or prick it with a pin and it won’t let you in , in won’t let you in you can punch me or lay me out flat, stab me in the back but I won’t bleed or die…

Officer, Officer, Officer,

I’m On the Board

I’m On The Board

I’m On the Board

I’m On The Board

I’m On the Board

I’m On The Board

Left Turn, About Face, Right Turn,

Forward March

Stand At Ease, Shoulder Arms, Change Arms, Present Arms

By The Centre Forward March

Attention, By The Right, Right Dress, Eyes Front

Stand At Ease

Eyes Right, Halt.

Attention, Fallout.

I know you’ve been busting them rhymes a while

But I’ve got something that will make you smile

I’m On the Board

I’m On The Board

I’m On the Board

I’m On The Board

I’m On the Board

I’m On The Board

Of the County, Of the County, Of the County

We starting a WI

We starting  a WI

Its as easy as pie, as easy as PI

Select and choose your officers

Select and choose your officers

We’re starting a WI

We’re starting a WI

We’re all going to a Garden Party

We’re all going to a Garden Party

We’re starting a WI

We’re starting a WI

Do it on FB

Do it on FB

Do some campaignin’ just like the ole’ days

Do some campaignin’ like it was when it started.

 

Guaranteed to give you an incredible sex life!

It’s a riki-tiki-tavi, excremental, supplemental, tablet.

It’s in your face, totally out of place beauty.

What is its nature? We don’t know. It doesn’t think.

Ed.It’s in the eye of the beholder.

rtttablet

Hours of fun guranteed. Will make you incredible. Even more incredible! Wow!

Buy Now and get a Real Pink Leather Case FREE!!!

Forgiveness

I know you know

I know you know I know you know

You know I know you know I know you know.

Toothpaste squeezed out of a tube, that’s how I feel. When there is no more squeezing to do, when the tube is totally empty, That’s where I end up sometimes no matter what I do. Thrown into the sink of life in disgust. Sheer disgust.

A clever person, a stupid person and a smart person were trapped in a train carriage underground. The clever person calculated their chances of survival with an app on his smartphone. The Stupid person started talking to his fish paste sandwich and the smart person said’ I thought blubber was there to protect you from the cold. Bloody whales Oh I’m having a heart attack. Bye both of you. Urrcchk (death rattle)’

How do I cope with it? Well, use your common sense. If you are asleep then your not awake but dreaming. There is no off switch. There is food, a hobby, running if you can make yourself sex, plenty of ways to get your thrills. In moderation. You can build a life, make a life through no effort of your own in the first instance. l was raised with certain values, where’s the harm in falling back on those even if they do not reflect your own views in a time of dire need? Heck, most of the time.

Meanwhile, the fire has spread to the adjoining carriage. Stupid man carries on talking to his fish paste sandwich and clever man keeps on calculating with GPS location services on his smartphone.

Lean on your family, friends, bank manager or church. Work hard. Work smart (you will know if you are doing it) and remember that you’re probably not in the circus, so don’t let people boss you around.

A spark the size of a small hen races along the electrified track coming up the back of the train where the three of you are. Suddenly without warning the spark flies right into the handset of the clever man holding the smartphone calculating now If a human can survive 20,000 volts. Judging by the melted eyeballs and burning hair, I would say no.

Just jump right in if you feel it’s the right moment. Don’t worry if you fall on your ass, that’s what having friends are for. Let them take the heat for you, let them explain to your crying girlfriend, your estranged family and your angered god just how you are totally crass as an ACT designed with IRONY that sends up the OVER PRIVILEGED and is in fact SATIRE. And the fact that you are in fact HURT by their IGNORANCE of the REAL YOU. Send a thank you card with a quick note about how you are grateful for the opportunity to right past wrongs and pray for forgiveness from your GOD.

Stupid man was found still in apparent conversation with his wilting fish sandwich and was unaware that by giving his eye contact to the fish sandwich he saved him from smoke blindness! Also unknown to him was that by talking constantly to his sandwich he was distracted from thirty degree burns he received. Stew Peed, who lived with his mother, went on to make a full recovery in New Maldon Hospital and has since guess what? Won the bleedin’ lottery!!!!!!!

Life’s a bag of marbles. Yours until someone nicks it.

 

 

Writing Exercise 365 day novel – Satire

I’ve only got a few of the facts, but I have an audience of willing lemmings who will laugh at anything I say, ascribe meaning and morality to the most trite populism I spout making people laugh and tackling today’s Big Issues I am a satirist. Oh yes, I have a very popular following so I don’t care if you diss me, In fact, diss me, it only proves that the guilty are listening and that my existence is justified. Fnar, Fnar. OOOOOHHHHHHHH.Serious Faces. Ridiculous caricatures of (important) people doing their important job. They’re just people who drink wank or fuck, give and take bribes, look out for themselves and loved ones and the satirists favorite, cronies. He one of Tonies cronies said they during the ‘presidential like reign’ of tony Blair and Alistair Campbell and the slimy one, er Peter Mandelson They are all guilty! Of the satirists crime list which I can’t be bothered to write down. Just check out one of the ‘satire’ shows on your television screens or in print and you will see that not only are the satirists ‘cleverly’ exposing that nations celebrities for what they really are but they are doing it in a sophisticated way. So Jump ON the bandwagon and laugh, laugh till you false teeth fly out of your mouth. Take a photograph of yourself and send it into the television with a witty caption like ‘Britains Foreign Policy’ and watch as educated men crease themselves laughing at your razor wit.

Well, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a writer for the television show HIGNFY. I sit drinking hot chocolate from the office machine which is only 15 pence. Or EUROS. Bloody Europe, If they can’t leave our sausages alone or insist on putting a mile of red tape around our Melton Mowbray Pork Pies Or paying farmers to plant weeds instead of cows (the more ridiculous the better) they are telling my boss that I require two fifteen minute breaks every day instead of my usual three hour adjournment to the local hostelry where I, along with my fellow educated men of pens check out the status of the current page 3 girls to see if they are still showing nipples. It’s satire, not smut you benefit claiming, Burberry aspiring, benefits street pleb! I am a satirist and nobody is safe. Well it is coming to the end of my day at the ‘office’ and I feel like a taking a taxi so I can skirt right on past a red carpet event take a couple of photos for my column and blog. Oh, my flat is nothing like my dorm room at Cambridge where I was fagged for two years non-stop and forced to make interesting comedy out of the newsletters of dry academic subject matter or face a public bumming. They heard their names and they laughed, all of them big and small, guilty or innocent. It was a luv in. And now they are all director generals of the BBC and they want a little more of the same for them and their cronies at the home office, or in the newspapers, or in the royal households. My job is never done. Glenmorangie and Chips for dinner may be a tin of beans for some protein. Who is that at the door? Why it’s Plod! What that you’re saying plod. I am under a vest. For what? For inculcating in the nation a desire to see more celebrities on television and feeling smug about the critical nature of your shows. Please, this is preposterous. I work nine to five just like a hard working family who saves their money and is the backbone of Britain. I’m just like youuuuuuuuuuuuu! (Screams as taken to the cells)