Conversation With A Worm

Hi. I am alone. It’s dark in here. Where shall I begin? Are you comfortable? Well, I died in 1991.
I never got to see the Spice Girls live and heaven knows what happened to my CRUISE!
Well, life It was good if you count all the nutters I had the acquaintance of knowing. Vainglorious
petty, too intelligent for their own good, scatty brained monsters of the sort you find in the thriller
movies hacking bits off unsuspecting victims part of a lifelong orgy of bloodlust and domination.

over humans.
Sorry I got nostalgic for 1991 there! It was a good year for potatoes too!
So, I’m dead. Funny it’s not as terminal as I had expected unless you count being buried six foot under
with nobody for company except you and you don’t talk too much. Don’t worry anything you say will embarrass me
to death! I’m already embarrassed. Fuck! I can’t even talk to a worm. Is it my self-esteem still? Or are you a large personality
? Hi Mr Worm with God-like powers! Hi, My name is Andrew Watkins Esquire. Dead as a hedge. With orange hair.
No green! Green hair with orange polka dots. and yellow streamers. Oh, those days! I used to go to a park when I was younger
and we would see swans geese and ducks children would run about and people would stand around a talk while the youngsters played
in sand pits. Some people fished. And I walked along wearing a sunhat. SPF 50!

Are you getting hungry? I am. perhaps I could eat my arm? I’ll chew on this brass handle instead. It lasts for ages I can tell you. Like a gobstopper,
it is I can tell you. I was talking to myself there. Worm? Worm? I can’t feel you. Say something. I thought I just felt a truck go by. A fourteen wheeler
y’know? I chose this place because it’s on the road. Didn’t want to get bored KWIM? KWIM? (you’re a useless conversationalist) Too late. let’s play truth or dare!
Whats the worst thing you have ever done? Ever eaten a worm?
I must have dozed off there. Why is it so DARK! I got spooked again. This is death. Screw this. I hate this coffin. I hate this life. I hate being alive. I am supposed to
be dead and unaware. Why am I thinking like this? Where is my mind? Who am I? Who are you? What are we?
Hi back again! I, no YOU worm are a rugged conversationalist? You never get bored. You never cough or walk off to make a drink or bugger off completely. You are probably
the second most bestest friend I have ever had.Next to me. Next to my dad.

Oh, Sob I’ll never see him again. No what about heaven? Will I ever get there? This is hell. Hell level unknown. Level 2 Pay at the Door. Well, you can have ALL my money mother fucker!
I have been so up myself recently giving everything a moral value and insisting that everything was wise in hindsight if you know what I mean. Like I was clever and made good choices. I mean
I ended up here alone except there’s no wife to chow down on a brass handle with and nano worms where my eyes used to be. Fuck! I can’t even DIE properly. The Egyptians had the right idea
Burry all your mates with you (servants and gold) plenty to chat with and chew on. I wonder if gold tastes better than BRASS? Where is the internet when you need it?


Oh, God. I am still scared of dying! It’s like Groundhog day ever decreasing circles (Seventies sitcom) Worm Can you make a cocktail? I’ll have stiff wicket which is Pimms and Guinness OK
Cold meats! Ham! Picalilli! Beetroot! Pork, Beef, Chicken!. God, we are not going OUT! Worm, grab yourself a plate!.

That WAS nice!Worm. I’m going to have a nap now. CUL8R!

Chapter One Of Unknown Fantasy Novel

Writing for kicks.The wind was blowing leaves down the road and I was walking in the same direction with less hurry about my shuffling gait. I saw her coming out of the Tesco Express with a pushchair. I ran up to greet her but in those twenty feet something happened. She grew taller and her mouth became a bear’s mouth. And her red jacket was torn as her hairy arms extended down towards the buggy. She looked at me approaching with cold black eyes and I was not a little reminded of the eyes of a shark. Bear or shark she was only five feet away from me approaching at speed when it happened.  Lava began spewing out of ground red and very very hot. My shoes were melting beneath me. The paving slab began to slope and I looked at her. She was hovering some fifteen feet above ground the rotocopter holding her while she in turn held the push buggy. As I fell to my knees on the paving slab now almost tilted to 45 degrees slowly sliding into the lava a giant Eagle came down and plucked me from the paving slab at the last second. We both hovered there the girl and the rotocopter and me and the eagle.

‘Hi!’ said I trying to wave but being restricted by the eagle clamping me at the shoulder with its giant claws.

‘That was close,’ said the girl waving at someone in the rotocopter.

‘Yeah, close!’ I said laughing I looked at the Eagle but he was not laughing – His beak the paragon of all seriousness.

‘So what now?’ asked the girl?

‘Well I don’t know,’, ‘I was thinking, well, like you know you might want to come back to mine. Bring the baby if you like,’ I added in what I thought was a generous manner. I glanced at the Eagle who I could swear was grinning to himself.

‘Sorry no can do. I got to get Chiral ready for dinner and Karate. Maybe next time though. Here take my number,’ she said holding out a piece of paper. It was too far for me to reach and it fell down. The Eagle spotted this and suddenly we were flying down towards the boiling lava where he grabbed the piece of paper in his beak before it was consumed by flame.

‘Cheers Eagle!’ I said, thumbs up to the girl. ‘Thanks,’ I shouted above the groaning lava below.

‘See ya!’ said the girl who was now back to fully human form.

‘OK I’ll call you’ Thanks!’ I said. The rotocopter was heading up over the hill where hopefully there was no lava. I looked up at the eagle who just seemed preoccupied by flying I was scared to interrupt him lest he drop me. I remembered the girl and the piece of paper in his beak and spluttered the word ‘home’ as loud as I could muster. The Eagle gaze seemed to briefly meet my eye and then we turned southwards towards Home. I recalled was where I was with the girl when we played that excellent game Exodus and Endgame on PC.  She had won that one but now I had her number.

‘Home Eagle, Home’ I shouted ‘homeward bound!’

We soared above the trees and the conflagration faded into the distance as we neared Steady Farm where I am my parents lived. It was untouched by the flames. Great! I had been victorious.

Mental Health Problem

There’s a bath shaped  hole right where my brain used to be.
Bruce Springsteen wrote and sang about a Wrecking Ball
Well, I know where he’s coming from when tonight I get hit again.
And dream about bath salts and a plug on a chain and shampoo.
In reality, my head is going under and I can feel chemicals burning my lips until the moment I break free and breathe the air heavenly.
I stand in nature’s blanket cold and shivering but I forgot its good to know you were there to put the blanket on and to comb my hair for me.
My prestige lies on the dresser brought home from a trip to London one day.
I forget I don’t need it when I hear your voice telling me that there’s something else except a to b not that It works today or yesterday or even tomorrow. It’s all gods plan for us mortals, you say. What plan? I reply, saying a quick prayer. Yours? Bentham’s plans for fillings not required, Operations cancelled worldwide, Ricketts in the family too? And me with a Mental Health problem.Your plan is one of misery if indeed it exists at all except in your mind. Never mind that. Come to bed.Let’s sail away.

Art for art’s sake!

A Dragons Pleasure

Seeming, all the time to not belong to any race but your own

Built out of sinew and flesh and bone. Have wings to fly, flames to fry.

And a casual disdain for all but the fairest of passers-by. You keep your own counsel.

Consulting the magic golden egg on matters of importance and state and of being what you are.

Else you live without a care, even in times of war, you can be found staring at your own

reflection in a pond and turning your head this way and that when passing. Why you even own a dragons

hat. The scary times are over for the time being so now you hardly need breathe let alone

shake the ground to its foundations in fear and in might. She-dragons are a rare sight and

advertise you might none have come to your lair. So you live without a care, taking a sheep now and then.

You haven’t the passion to do anything. You are a dragon. Fair luck.


Like A Shining beacon in the Sky

An attraction to animals and fireflys

And various humans with different talents

Be our hinterhands, our winterlands , or grazing lands.

Be our home. Let the Stars Land Gently On Your Runways.

Tinseltown. Rock, Hewn out of the hills. Now Listen.

This land this fame, the coastal epiphany is closed

no more. Throw Open Your doors before the temperature

rises to above 451 inconveniently. Dancers, artists, thieves.

Actors, Directors, Leaves all flutter on by in this fairies dream.

Take a hold of the  nearest hand and dance off into wonderland.

Or send in your scripts, get on the right lists and continue on the road

to celluloid hard disc immortality or bread and butter to you and me. Be prepared: the

story never ends and pieces fall into place from all  over the place and time. All standing in

line legs swinging, bells ringing, chins held high in a procession you have never seen the

like since the nineteen thirties roared into being over a century ago. Check your Rolodex

email and see World Peace is scheduled in for 3:30. Make a cancellation for glee. or the

Never Ending Party now going on in the valley.


i got on the bus but that wasn’t my destination. I was heading out of town to the hunting grounds. I had my rifle and 50 rounds of .22 ammunition. I was going rabbit hunting.

It’s pretty good that you can still take live ammo onto public transport around here but that will probably change now after what happened.

Purple dots were appearing with alarming regularity on the skyline and I decided to take a pot shot at one. just to see what would happen. I didn’t want to start an intergalactic war you understand.

So then one of the purple dots flys closer and lands on the roof of the bus. We all gasped when it landed there with a clunk as its connected. I find what happened next disturbing.

An orange flame tinged with blue highlights cut a perfect circle in the roof of the bus and down floated on of them on the silver disc holding an oxy cutter and peering at us all from behind its glass helmet. Its eyes were so wide.

I did not expect what happened next. Never in a million years. Aliens Yes but this was sick.

Music floated down from the ship on the roof and we could all hear it like something from a rodeo machine gun wedding with big bass beats. Thump. Thump Thump.

Everybody was staring at it. It never blinked once but removed its lower garments revealing some tentacles that shot out and connected with everyone of the bus groins. Except me. It went for my gun and shot down the barrel as i was holding it in both hands.

Everyone began swaying is the best word for it and the music got louder and thump thump thump it continued. The alien took a cigar and lit it with the end of the acetylene torch and puffed away. Its stomach was clenching and unclenching in time with the music .

People began moaning as the aliens tentacles began pulsing like a hose in a cartoon and the bus stopped at the side of the road. I think the driver must have been connected to because he was just there in his seat folding his hands behind his head.

I couldn’t look or hear anything but the breathing and windows were all steamed up now and everyone was sort of jerking . The bass was massive by now and the whole bus was shaking and people’s hair was hanging in sweaty curls and then all the tentacles went rigid and the alien closed its eyes and everyone shouted their god’s name and fell to the floor in a heap. The alien took in its tentacles and replaced it’s under garments floated back up on its disc and then the purple blob flew off back towards the horizon.

That’s all I remember. I had my gun confiscated by the sheriff when we got to the hunting grounds as there were fifty holes in the roof of the bus that my parents would have to pay for.I don’t remember a thing about that.

The aliens were on the news again and tentacled the newsreaders while they were on air. It was funny.


Greebo and Toad LeStrange

‘What a strange place to begin writing about your life,’ said Toad

‘The Pond?’ said Greebo

‘Yes Greebo, The pond. It’s hardly the place to start writing about one’s life. It’s not where we started. It’s where we end up! Figuratively speaking you understand’ replied toad

‘I began life in a hole in a ground…There was nobody else around…I could hear myself farting!’ said Greebo

‘That’s you! Greebo!’ said toad laughing.

‘But writing is a vocation, a calling not a profession in an isolated white clinical room with no windows,’ proffered Greebo

‘Right! my friend. But wrong also,’

‘The hole in the ground, where it all began. I was nothing but a caveman without a plan but I recognised my calling…’ uttered Greebo.

‘Such a fine story for one so young So where did it all go wrong?’ asked toad.

‘Wrong? It did not go wrong wrong like cameltoe thong just sing along I’ll be gone in w while’ sang Greebo.

‘Not wrong then. But delayed,’ returned toad.

‘Nothing a spell can’t help with’ offered Greebo

‘No we don’t need your spells Greebo. Something will come along. It always does,’

‘A spell of Fine Weather my friend. That will put things right in the end,’ Said Greebo with authority.

‘The End Of the Beginning. The beginning of the End.Whats the difference?’ sang toad

‘None.There’s none at all. We got to fall to stand up again and look around’ said Greebo

‘Like from a  hole in the ground,’ said Toad

Dusk falls…

‘Disappointed…’ said Greebo

‘In what?’ asked toad.

‘In the glum,’ replied Greebo

‘Sitting there in the sun waiting for the clouds to arrive again.’ Said Toad.

‘Shadow,’ said Greebo with a sneer

‘And light,’ said toad

‘depression,’ said Greebo

‘Happiness Greebo,’said Toad triumphantly. ‘Happiness shines lights into the shadows and illuminates our minds’ exclaimed toad.

‘thoughts and deeds’ finished Greebo

‘Pity we don’t have any tea. I could do with a cup now,’ said toad

‘Hows about newt piss and rain?’ Asked greebo, grinning.

‘Capital idea Greebo. Capital.’ said toad.

And that night went by so . No. Thats life!

How small is the eye of a needle?

Well, It’s pretty small. And before you ask I’m not a rich man.

Today I cleaned my windows and watched a good film. Michael with John Travolta. It was moving. Did I believe in angels after watching it? Well, I did ask the question ‘What if there are angels amongst us?’ And I got the usual answer ‘All Hell would get loose’. Now I have visions of crowds of looters looting of televisions throwing of litter bins through car windscreens and general mayhem. So much for the Angels theory huh?

Well, maybe not. You have all heard the tales of miracles of God of healing and of the saints and stories of the ArchAngel Gabriel and of fallen angels sent to hell.l Well let me tell you something. I haven’t. I don’t know what books that all these stories are in Me I was reading Stephen King and James Herbert where there was plenty supernatural going on ( or down) but not of the horned devil with wings variety. And I’ve read Dracula. Is it because I am not literary (Said in the style of Ali G: remember him?)that the ouvre is just too immense to tackle even in small bites without the constitution of an OX and the disposition to spend whiling away the moonlight hours up to your neck in Rennaissance/Romantic Revival/Gothic fiction? Me think so. Me know so. (Me so horny).

If anyone has any tips then please do tell/leave a comment. I really do want Angels in my life.

The Clock Ticks






Happy New Year!

Bon Anniversaire!


Such things occur, as they are wont to do. No?

And the wind does change and a northerly blows past your window!

Succour for the masses gathered in their classes. Huh?

Not tonight my friend!

Tonight is Your Life!

BANG! You are dropped on your head and given a bed and swaddling clothes. These  are yours to shit and puke on! You are a baby my friend and your drive everybody around the bend, right around the bend!

BANG! You have a toddling pen and toys. You make a VERY LOUD NOISE! Congratulations You are a toddler! The terrible twos make way for the Really threes and the Fairly fours and now Five is knocking at your door and girls are paying attention to you. What to do. THROW A TANTRUM!

BANG! You are ten and life is academic. The apes descended from the trees and colonised the earth, reproduced and became men with briefcases and laptops and mobile phone. One day soon You pray for good results and at grammar school a PLAAACE!

BANG! An automobile accident and you lose your sister and a limb. life will never be the same again. Twelve is a difficult age enough without this LIMB THING!

BANG! You’re sixteen and its time to leave home. To boarding school, you will go along with your books and strange PECCADILLOS for frogs and other limb reproducing things. Along with your books goes an APPRECIATION for GOD and the OTHER which you discovered quite by accident while looking for a spanner to fix your WHEELCHAIR.

BANG! You’re seventeen and have long hair and you and a million others share the same taste in music. And in Girls, you meet your soulmate. You find a dinner date. You stamp your foot and she gives you that LOOK. You propose and get ENGAGED. Cummerbands are all the rage at WHITE WEDDINGS for you and your bride.

BANG! You’re eighteen and you lose a baby to a miscarriage of justice. The FIRST of MANY. You get a beard to go with your ponytail. Your missus starts wearing black. Your nickname is JACK of all trades. You get a job parking trolleys.

BANG! You are 21! You get a mortgage to go with your suicidal wife who blames herself. You get a promotion to SECURITY and spend your days deciding which SHOPLIFTERS to let go or PROSECUTE to the full extent of the LAW.

BANG! You have a kid aged 31 who plays the wilds in you like a devil and brings your wife down to earth and HEAVEN. At last, you can play at happy families at DO IT YOUR OWN WAY!

BANG! Your forty and divorced! You live in a bedsit in a shitty part of town. Your kind are not WANTED. Disabled and divorced… Your kid doesn’t want to know you…



You buy the rope and measure the drop. Two foot should be enough.




Windows Monstery Saboteurs

Space Sabotage


Now there fucking adverts IN Microsoft Windows. I bet Bill Gates successor is laughing all the way to the bank! Where a homeless junkie will puke over his $20000 shoes and jab a syringe into his leg and inject his infected needle into his thigh spitting yellow blood speckled phlegm as he draws his final dreary life breath. Who will go to his funeral? Not I, I worked for a living, never had a day off , I did the right thing time and again and again and again! I spit on his memory! That homeless Junkie Bum put a Fortune 100 company CEO out of action depriving the body corporate of its virtual head eyes and ears for a time. Corporate saboteurs eyes light up with that vengeance peculiar to that type of scum where daggers and hoodies do the work the hard up IT guy would refuse. Yeah!  Bring the company to its knees. Let the company bleed then rot then haemorrhage pus filled blood dollars into the gutters of the streets. Let the fuckers die!

Now for some music.

la di da di da di da di da da da da da da…


The Lover


Just examining my dark side…I don’t have one.