Andrew Watkins 2020©
Andrew Watkins 2020©
*******Warning: Adult Themes*******
Scene: Aboard a Steam riverboat cruiser ‘Miss Dolly’ USA, 1910.
‘Not as I am accustomed to public speakaling I will do my uppity to continue in the style I have become accustomed’ said the compare, putting on what he hoped was his cheeriest sounding voice.
‘It is with a great sense of pride that I announce the speakaling for today. Rowbottom muck spreader filthy tart… who has crawled up from the depths of the muddy brown stagnant pool he inhabits for a holiday aboard the steamer ‘Miss Dolly’. Unbeknownst until now.’
Honk, Honk went the onboard tannoy. The guest takes center stage.
‘Ahem, Good evening ladies and jelly babies. Tonight I expose a coverup. ‘
‘Ahem, Ladies and Jellybeans. Tonight I announce a big jelly cup.’
‘Ahem Ladies and jelly wotsits. Tonight I assume the role of Whistleblower!’
‘For tonight, I will expose…’
Tutting and heavy breathing…
‘Tonight ladies and gentleman For your tantalization. A wonder. Nay An extreme event. Nay A miracle! Speakaling David Didion!’ said the compare.
Applause and whooping.
‘Ladies and Jellybeans. David Didion!’ David Didion claps himself
‘Good evening, good evening all. Now take a look at my hands. See they are holding a pack of cards. now I will perform for you a trick..’
‘If I can have a volunteer please’
Volunteer shoved forwards.
‘Hello. What is your name?’ ‘Lisa. Welcome, Lisa. I want you to pick out a card from the pack, any card will do. OK?’
‘Now don’t tell which card it keeps it to yourself OK’
Lisa nods and takes a card from the pack.
‘What is the card, Lisa.
‘Seven of Spades’ says Lisa.
‘Fail.Fail.Fail.Fail.Fail.Fail. Womanhood has failed to keep a secret! Fail’
Laughing and cheers from the audience.
Lisa walks away.
‘Go away and walk you unredeemed whore’ says David Didion.
The audience cheers.
Compare looks upset and interrupts the speaker cutting off his mike.
‘Ladies and gentlemen we interrupt this broadcast to bring you a live broadcast..’
Sound over the tannoy system aboard the boat.
‘Well, I really love her…actually’
The compare smiles a beaming smile.
Then a different voice comes over the tannoy.
‘What did she say?’
‘She said she’d think about it,’
‘I know I can’t bear to think of her all …undecided,’
‘And at KWZT we have a news report…A Man overcomes his emotions and accepts leap year proposal!’
‘Oh she’ll never agree,’
‘Be patient. Wait. Until Friday. Then you can ask her again’
The crowd is silent. The Compare adjusts the mike sending feedback through the speakers.
‘Sorry ladies and gentlemen we seem to have a slight technical problem.’ More feedback
‘One of the speakers explodes showering white dust over the audience. The audience laughs.
‘Sorry ladies and gentlemen’ says the compare wearily
‘Tonight for you delectation…all the way from Russia…Wanderlust’ says the compare with a groan.
‘Good evening ladies and Gentlemen. I am Wanderlust (bows to audience)’
‘I come from Russia from the steppes of cold Siberia. From the plateaus of Vladivostok to St Petersberg there is not a whorehouse, hen party or town and village church I have not desecrated, No?’,’Where is my wenches, Yes?’
Cheers from the audience.
‘Bring out the wenches’ shouts Wanderlust
A few cheers from the audience.
‘Bring out the wenches!’ he shouts again. The crowd cheer louder.
The compare takes the stage again shoving off Wanderlust.
‘And now for Wholesome George…’ he says with a desperate smile.’Wholesome George!’
Wholesome George takes the spotlight. He is wearing a beige suit and is wearing a Panama and navy deck shoes ‘ The compare looks pleased with him.
‘Good evening ladies and guests and gentlemen. Tonight I will tell you all of how I fucked women on five different continents whilst writing my book. Fuck story From Gibraltar to the Bahamas on five different continents’.
Applause and whooping from the audience…
Compare shoves wanderlust to the ground then takes a revolver and levels it at his forehead.
‘Enough’ Interrupts the compare,’Enough’
The boat goes silent.
‘Haven’t you had enough of sex, misogyny, and more fucking sex? Isn’t it about time we had something nice to write home about? Wouldn’t you like to tell your kids a true story of how you enjoyed your riverboat cruise entertainment without the tawdry smut and sex without lying?’
Silence greets him like a newfound friend. All eager to please.
‘Shut Up. Bring back wholesome George’ shouted a member of the audience.
Soon the whole audience is chanting in unison.
‘Wholesome George.Wholesome George.Wholesome George’
‘That’s enough,’ shouts Wholesome George getting to his feet.’ Let the man thing speak’
Laughs from the audience.
‘ I do this for the good of humanity’ Shouts the compare and pulls the trigger.
There is a spray of blood and a loud bang and the compare falls off the stage onto the deck of the boat the gun tumbling from his fingers.
A loud sigh from the audience. Someone shouts ‘Sick bastard’
Then the crowd begins muttering again.
‘Oh God’ says Wholesome George falling to his knees. ‘Oh God’
In this fictional short story, we saw how someone was pushed to suicide. What pushed him this far? Was it the debased nature of the acts he introduced? Or were it financial troubles? Was his love for himself outweighed by his love for humanity so much that he made the ultimate sacrifice to prove his love for humanity, above all else? Unfortunately, He can never tell.
Suicide support. Can suicide be prevented? Perhaps if Samaritans had been around he wouldn’t have pulled the trigger. Their numbers are below. There is also a website www.samaritans.org
Telephone Samaritans (UK) 116 123
Samaritans (US) 1 (800) 273-TALK