Formaldehyde

In with the big hitters, at last.

I can finally follow my dreams

to say goodbye to it all

and begin collecting roaches.

The look in your eyes

when I said goodbye

the look I know you got inside.

Together we can grow up and up

to the sky where we can collect roaches.

roaches are good, roaches are cool,

bring a jar and a big spoon!

Roaches are cool, roaches are clean

Barbeque the fat ones and eat with some cheese!

Roaches, roaches, roaches get a bad little rap

everyone thinks roaches are crap

but they haven’t spent a night smoking them out

under starlight eating corned beef hash and putting

the little roaches into jars. Har har. I can analyse

categorise, euthanise and pin them in my pin-up collection.

I am a scientist, an entomologist, call me what you will

I like roaches.

Roaches are good, roaches are cool, roaches look good on my wall.

killed in formaldehyde

found in your cupboard

by the water heater.

sending shivers down ya

the scientist will help ya!

Don’t yelp ya!

You’ll scare them away…

Bang! (Where Beavis and Butthead Meets Autism and Punk)

Scared of noises? Youu’ll be ready for all weather with new Rubber Goretex Massif Wellington Boots with white rubber silent soles. For the cautious Eco-Activist. Gather you test tubes and get ready…

Meanwhile…Its Tuesday, not an ordinary day, not an amazing one. Tuesday. T-T-T-T-T-T-Tuesday. T-uuuuuuuuus-dddddday

Its Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuuuuuuueeeeeeesssdddaaaayyyy!!!

Where are you? On the Bus? At Home? Got wifi? GPRS? cool.

Got tablet, phone?

Got AIDS?

condom?

money, wallet, credit cards?

Diners (International) Card?

WINK?

Ready for your night  out?

What’s it gonna be?

 

Pizza? Anyone? Pizza?

pizza.With barbeque sauce.

Sorted. Yeaaah!

I don’t know what to write about tonight as you may have noticed I have nothing serious  in mind except Autism and punk. These are TWO Internationally known words but I don’t actually know much about either of them except the basics.

Rude.

Single Minded

.Above average intelligence.

Likes The Big Bang Theory..

I Don’t Know much really!

Watched episode 5 of the Harry Potter Series today. Isn’t it grown up? Wine anyone?

Ate dessert (twice) and shellfish and ham sandwiches. Ed. This blog is going seriously downhill fast.

What we need is a feature(ette)!

Can-Can ladies

Peter Griffins Wife

Meg Griffin

The fat boy (the rude baby)

The talking dog (the rude baby)

The Quahog News presenter AND (the rude baby)

Southpark meets Two and  Half Men in Quahog.

HA! (Ruby Wax) HA!

Robin Williams. He’s dead isn’t he? Yep! (applause)

Goooooood Morrrrrrning ViETnaaaam!

RIP Robin Williams.

(rude baby) Wouldn’t it be funny if Robin Williams got killed by environmental activists. I mean the irony. It would be ssweet, wouldn’t it be. SWEET. S-W-E-E-T!.

(talking BRIAN dog) He’s dead

(rude baby) Oh!

(kyle JewishSurname) Isn’t it funny that when..

(Cartman) SHUUUUUUUUUUT UP!

(Kyle Jewish surnname) Wha…

Cartman – Shut up you Jewish spunk fountain. Our listeners want more. more culture , more refinement. more…

Kyle JewishSurname – Shut up Cartman. Has your mom been telling you stories again?

Kenny- mmmm, mmmm,mmmm!

Tell me if I’m doing fine. Tell me. Telepathically – Over the Interweb thingy! OMMMM

I thought I was autistic…Turns out I was just lonely.

(AND A VERY NAUGHTY BOY)

And a very naughty boy.

And punk…

Wha?

and punk!!

punk?

Yea punk?

Well you know I got my moves and my grooves on…

thats not punk that’s R&B.

0_0

0x0

:~)

TXT SPK IS BRNG

Bring?

And Buy?

 

BORING?

Sorry.

Well thats ten minutes reading (writing) How long will this take to read?

30 seconds, a minute. Well Worth It, (the cost of ADMISSION)

It’s free. ITS FREEE!! ItS TUESDAY!!!!!!!!! HURAHHHHH!

Some of my best friends are autistic?

Was that a question?

Was what a question?

This happens?

Wha?

When you put a question mark?

after everything?

um.

Well Nobody is going to like this sketch unless you drop your negative stereotypical views and begin reflecting the aspirations, cogent realities and values of your target audience!

Whats that?

Wha?

Your target audience.

 

What’s a cogniting reality then?

Cogent. C-O-G-E-N-T.. It means clear, logical and convincing.

Not like reality then?

wha?

Wha?

wah?

Since when has reality been clear, logical and convincing?

Like when you got your drivers license?

Was that a question?

was what a question?

Like when you got your driving license?

No?

LIKE WHEN YOU GOT YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE. THAT WAS CLEAR LOGICAL AND CONVINCING?

yes I suppose?

Well let’s do a sketch about that.

What about autism?

What about punk?

(Kenny)mmm,mmm,mmm

Collected SOUTH PARK AND FAMILY GUY CAST – Shut UP Kenny!

We need paper…

And a pen…

Why? To write it down…

Wha?

Our plan for a sketch show..

Oh Yeah…Cool.

And then when we’ve got it. Yeah

Yeah?

We’ll post it to the BBC and ITV and Channel 4

Yeah. And Well have our own sketch show. yeah.

Called MASHITUP! Yeah!

MASHITUP, YEAH! COOL!

to be continued…

Morpork and Mindy

If you have read any of the tales of The Watch by the sadly deceased Terry Pratchett you will be familiar with Ankh-Morpork, the fictional state, on Discworld in which the tales unfold.

If you, like  me, grew up during the nineteen seventies and eighties you will also be familiar with Mork and Mindy, a sitcom on a sci-fi theme from America.

If like me you enjoy writing and making up things then you might appreciate the name for a new show on television. A sci-fi/fantasy mould of spacesuits and dragons, giant eggs and eggesses, Crime  and Punishment etcetera .It will be called

“Morpork and Mindy”

And it will star David Walliams and that girl who played the PA to ABFABS Darling lead played by Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley

In it they will foil and bring down an international identity theft ring aided by guest appearances by Tony Stamp from THE BILL.

In a comical way they will become new friends, enjoy that honey moon period then wish each other certain death through hanging. All in benefit of CHILDREN IN NEED.

Well THATS ALL FOLKS! Thanks for tuning in!

 

(Theme music from the Archers)

I’d like To Donate

dONATE

Man1: I’d like to donate fifty thousand dollars to your cause!

CharityMan: Can you form an orderly queue, please.

Man1: Sorry. Can I speak to you? I want to donate fifty thousand dollars to your cause!

CharityMan: Yeah What do you want?

Man1: I’d like to donate fifty thousand dollars to your cause!

CharityMan: Fifty thousand what?

Man1: Fifty thousand dollars.

CharityMan: Oh No. We don’t take dollars. Did you hear that Bren? This man wants to give us fifty thousand dollars! Cheek!

Man1.: Well what will you take then? Euros, Pound Sterling, Japanese Yen, French Francs, Robert Ne Niros?

CharityMan: Robert De Niros?

Man1: Yes. Robert De Niros. Cheerios (signals to tipper lorry reversing to the street edge.Pumps fist to signal; release of Cheerios. Fifty tonnes of Cheerios bury the street charity vendor and the man.)

CharityMan: No we don’t take those.

Magnifier

Life is so Multi-dimensional.

Nothing rhymes with Multi-dimensional.

Ahhem. Cought!

There was once a brown bird

It lived in the sky

There was once an ant

It lived on the ground

There was once an Ipad

It lived in someones hands

Applaaause!!!!!!!!!!

Hellow! My name is Andrew…

I am a practising alcoholic

I practice as often as I can!!

Splutter!! Wheeeze!!

Thesaurus sitting on my desk

Me sitting in my chair

Lamp sitting over there

That’s a sitting demonstration!!

Fnar! Fnar!

Tape measure on my desk/loverboy

How long will i wait? A cm, An inch? How long will i wait?

Tape Measure: This long’ (extends itself to 45 cm)

That will teach me! Ha!

Push my buttons baby!

Said the keyboard!!! Snap!

Don’t push me around!

Said the mouse!

Left-click, Right click, Left-click, right! Shouted the sergeant major learning Word!

Up there, pointed the hedgehog, are the stars, the moon and the milky-way galaxy.

In my lunch box is a mars-bar replied the squirrel, but i dont go shouting about it.

‘The sublime’ is a new belgian chocolate bar by nestle rowntree cadbury

It aims to transcend the everyday, the mundane and the commonplace.

Don’t they all say that!