Mowgli OUT!

Order in the genus!
Order in the genus!
Sitting in the kitchen with my dad and my mum
talking about the size of my bum
I said my chin is fat grey and hairy
and my dad said son to be proud of you it would take fifteen green bags of that to take to the tip
yeah said I and there you go polluting the airwaves with your go so slow into that
We all fell about the kitchen cause we are like that
And the night went on and we all got wasted well high on caffeine and the smell of dog farts
and we talked about cheese and bread after they had got through their questions
well they were in the police, both of them I think smiling where my eyes hide somewhere in my belly
But it’s all good fun for them eight eyes staring like a giant spider from some sci fi nightmare
Sorry. I mean We all care and enjoy each others company and i can’t be bothered to take a pop at Ed Sheeran cause I want to be like that sleeping on a sofa in strangers flat with no responsibilities
but a billion fans. Well, fancy that!
I’m sitting on my bum and it time to go home and I get a lift too.
It’s not bad being me.
Stop doing that!
Stand up and be a man(That was a part of the master plan)
But they’re so intimidating and know so much
I barely believe I am a puff
I mean homosexual
Well I thought I was not anymore
I’ve been fantasizing about women and I have one in mind
Who I’d like to give one
If I could speak to her and reason I’d talk myself out of it
There’s no joy in rationalising love
There’s no chance I never see her
Except walking the streets.
Ed Sheeran should have emailed me about this
then I’d be cool with having a mistress
cause I’m married to art and writing
and that’s what causes all the infighting in our house.
But love. Well fancy that I only need one not a billion
to rely on to bring me home.
Now wasn’t I supposed to hate rap
Now love got me into rap
I’ll be black next…See ya.
ENOUGH of this crap!
It’s like North Korea. There’s only unhappiness.
She is attached I already know that
And me. Well, I smell bad or is that my flat.
Well, the dogs eat better than me.
It’s all higgledy piggeldy.
And my music taste is trashy
and doesn’t help me out by taking me to a higher plane
the beat mocks my heart getting all flustered like i spread it with hot mustard.
There. I am real I do care. and that’s what I will tell her.
If I ever see her again.
It feels like I am cutting it short
I have got into my flow.
Well love makes us all
or tha lack of it.
or false beliefs we get sure of
when we alone
and low
and argue with our shadow.
It’s a world problem
living alone
4 billion people and there’s no cure! Well, fancy that!

 

© Andrew Watkins 2017

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Paranoid

Is the internet making us selfish? Like the high street of old are there places where the Weirdos went but where no respectable person would be seen?

Is it the internet’s fault? And wasn’t the internet supposed to be the place where you can go and be whoever you want?

I am a non-earner in terms of the internet economy. I may be kind and welcoming to new comers as that is one of my internet roles but when it comes to internet banking I want it working I don’t care about the colour scheme. Even the welcome you get from the banks is sincerely delivered. It’s all about what you can get away with -surely?

With this in mind, I hope to become a peddler of clicks and whirrs Whoops! I mean clicks and eyes as I have a blog which has no ulterior motive for people to get suspicious about other than it’s something I created that I would like to share perchance to raise an eyebrow or titillate a vein such is my innocence.

I am at home all day and all of the night which you would think gives me more time to write and draw but we are dealing with daresay voodoo economics when it comes to art and writing. A minute is well…a minute. But it can seem like an hour.

So get behind my new post by clicking follow or watch or favourite or Like in whatever language you are using. And remember …something profound. Or if you can’t invite around that really annoying relative you have and talk with them for three hours. That’ll put things in profound perspective!

Till next time. Ta ta.

Mad Munc – Todays Thoughts

 

Edward…

Ring any bells?

The nineties… blag prosody.

Smooth skin rancorous streets, Single bed

You know it best.

2016 student of the avant-garde life award for best trousers

Pass it off as your own

Advertising will never notice

Too wound up in itself to care about me

dancing in the street.

Yeah. I dance too. Watch me move.

Ow!

Goodnight. See you. Start ignition.

Pull away slowly.

Reverse into that space over there.

Mirror signal, reverse.

Looking at you

£10 pounds an hour

Maybe? £20 £50 whatever you can do

Dinner ready at six used matchstick and custard

Good enough for Satan is good enough for me.

Hello, Britain! Are you comfy?

Phone 0208 555222. It could be you!

You’ll never know.

Prick that boil, lance that bunion, peel that onion.

Chop that wood in two.

Put in the wood burner stove and paint your ceilings to reflect the glow

at the two of you making plans for a holiday.

Somewhere new. Somewhere golden, like you.

Put the kettle on. Are you making us a brew?

Bring out the biscuits too. This one is me and that one is you.

No, I disagree. That one is me and this one is you.

Dunk a bunk in bed. Nuff said.

They go away to play.

I’m here alone musical bone, changing shape

changing like a stranger who wants to entertain me

to what end I wonder. My money at a gig. Can he be trusted?

What about me? Don’t I have ambitions musically?

A piece to honour Hallelujah! And Leonard Cohen

E-A-D-G-B-E tap tap tap. I need an acoustic for that.

From a time before me. Era. Cat in the Hat. Gone.

Just a little tune. Self-effacing at that. Faith and life.

Gone like that. In cosmic time the blink of an eye.

Golden discs head into the stars.

Security Gates Remote Control, Swimming pool

I could do that thought I! Sunshine!

STAY TUNED!

Police Knocking on the door asking do I know this girl?

 

Heat

Wave if you’re boiling hot!

It’s hot here at Vod Towers and I’ve got the fan turned up to three! (It doesn’t go any higher)

I think that we are (the royal WE) in the middle of a HEAT WAVE!

It’s so hot I have taken half of my clothes off and I am sitting here typing in my ankle braces (not that I have any) and bony knees. All alone except for the fan and music player!

Now isn’ t that sad. I could be getting annoyed with someone in the HEAT. I could be getting horny under the 15 tog duvet. Nah! I could be having a cold shower??

Nah! I’ll save it for the mo’ if that’s alright?

Well music is like heroin to my junkie senses which are alight and on End like I am hard and speaking to an utter cunt who i just want to fill. Make sense? I don’t know why I choose this music band because they feel all wrong!!

Today I met a career goal. I had mince beef hotpot for dinner. I went out and bought a nice cold bottle of white wine to drink or BOITE, as the French say.

I felt I had neglected my blog today after fulfilling my CAREER GOAL! so i thought I would sit down and type something. Tomorrow I am going to visit my father and have dinner at his house. Exciting ? Hardly can wait!.

Intellectually speaking is there such a word as extellectually. The spellcheck says NO!

Now I am coolER I want to write and tell you about my day. Well, I already did that. This is going out LIVE Well it’s hot and I took off half of my clothes!

It’s calm here like a still pond with swan gliding along not making a ripple. PEACE!

I am surrounded by my things which despite being just things are like Santas Little Helpers to me but I FORGET so often.

I am looking at my screen which despite its poor black and white contrast is an excellent little monitor.

ANYWAY.

I am listening to PLACEBO and today I met my career GOAL of uploading my PORTFOLIO to the AOI.COM where illustrators ARE! (Association of Illustrators.COM)

 

That’s it really. Now I wait for the commissioning emails or phone calls. Excellent! Thank you for reading. Cheerio! And COOL Off!

Sig1

 

 

Green

Is believing what they say and taking it to work the next day green?

Break it down. What do you know? Is it truthful, fast or slow?

Did you go there or did a friend? Drive you round the bend?

Well, that’s all for now kids and adults alike. Green?

Wind farms coming in the Hills above town coming soon?

Porpoises in the sewers to keep down rats in the sewers

Wine on tap in Northern Germany, In Northern Germany?

What?

 

Illiterate Musings

Hi! And welcome to my fairy soap flakes blog!

Here is a picture!

Listening to the Boss who is ‘Taking Care of Our Own’ and can’t help but be soothed and uplifted by the mellow rock rhythms coming from my 2.1 Speakers and Woofer. It’s like a little bit of America has touched down in my living room with burgers cola and fries! In a good way. I mean I wouldn’t trust most people not to make a mess which someone would have to clear up. Me, precious. Ha hA Evil laugh Now I have ensnared you I can make you a prisoner of my will and subject you to anyhting my heart desires. Pornography, Snuff Films, Carry On Flicks, Wong Kar Wai, All that shit! And then we can eat takeaway! Do you know who Kathy Bates Is? She is a bat compared to me Sith Dragon Nargull BEAST! My wings will flap you into oblivion, on my second pass I will burn you to a cinder, then on my third I will drop an almighty shit on your heads scum! Ha.Ha,Ha! Ha,Ha,Ha,Ha,Ha,hA!

 

Sorry, got zoned out there on the Cola fumes a bit! The Boss is now talking about  the blackness of his grief and how was left alone to die! Cheery. I cannot see a new CBBC series coming out of this. Maybe an opera. They are always tragic. or Comic. If you don’t know me you won’t know that comedy is a source of much comfort , was it has been. See south. Southern Comfort.! See! I get pleasure from pointing out the funny and sometimes absurd truths of situations and comedies in particular. One scene from Groundhog Day Sticks in my memory. It’s the one from when Bill takes a coffee to Mike the cameraman and begins asking him about his career aspirations. Insert clucking hen here. Or a dogging dinosaur for laughs. I am no technical guru but I have held a camcorder and know what it’s like. And Mikes is like seventeen times bigger! Bill should be lucky he didn’t get knocked out as Mike swung around. not that a pro would do that of course, but maybe I am nargled.

 

I have never read HP but have read some fan fiction of it. I once held a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone in Latin but couldn’t get past ‘Est’ or ‘Fidi’ which was unfortunate as I actually had time to read then.

So TB  has been widely ridiculed and maligned in the Suctliffe Report or whatever (I like that reference to the Yorkshire Ripper;))

He being a barrister will know the ins and outs of the legalities of this consequence long before such a report was published and as hanging is now illegal he hasn’t got a lot to worry about.

Mr Outside is being maligned by Sir Bruce on the music player currently. Makes me think how lucky I am to have friends. And family. And dogs (but  I don’t expect you to be fluent in dog) And there are some cats in the extended family so all hope is not lost!

Bye!

Alma Step-Mater and Pater

WP_20160701_13_26_23_Pro.jpg

Sorry about the confusing title to this blog. Read on and all if not all then something will be revealed.

‘Twas a strange day with things attached to a certain significance that only could be.

I saw the member of the upper-class before I got home. He was carrying an umbrella and swaggering it like he owned the goddamn road, let alone one of the large houses on it.

I felt his eyes on me, like a fly eyeing up supper and felt so dirty so I straightened myself and walked onwards towards him.

He fingered the area beneath his left eye as we crossed paths and I half imagined him to pull off a monocle I hadn’t seen and shout something at me.

As I got closer to home I reminisced about the past and friendlier times. College days. Warm summers and clean ironed clothes.

When I lost hope in the future I would sometimes go around and visit my Dad and Step-Mother who would spoil me for a couple of hours bringing me tea and even a piece of cake if I was lucky. Anyway one Christmas they brought out a little wooden statue of a guardsman who looked a bit like a Regimental Mascot or Father Christmas. Today I looked out of the window and saw this very same figure on the wall between the house where I live and next door. What was it doing there? I had arranged to see my Dad a few days ago but if he had put it there what on earth did it mean? That I was now under his protection? I went outside with my camera phone and took a picture and then emailed my Dad asking for an explanation if indeed there was one.

Later that day and there was activity outside and I went to my window and saw a lady whom I hadn’t seen beforehand the figure to someone she seemed to be friends with.

No Dad in the protection business after all.

And Do I really need protection? I get nervous sometimes and I do live in a rough neighbourhood but the thought of my dad who is nearly 70 coming to rescue me a 42-year-old male overweight and bearded from 20 something scallies is nonetheless funny, scary and reassuring at the same time.

The following two paragraphs confuse me so you might want to skip them and just read past.

Now I know I said that this day was about a certain significance so let me say this. It (significance) faded like so many other days significant or not slowly like a grease stain, over time.Things used to be significant and magnificent at least in my mind When did this change occur? After the bankruptcy and mental breakdown probably. Just so you know it was a long time ago but some scars take longer to heal. They must or I’d be labrador happy with all the attention I receive.

And just so you know. I prefer cats to labradors as they do not require walking three times a day! Otherwise, dogs are great. I like to end on a cheery note but it feels like someone has removed all the notes above C from my internal infernal keyboard. So here goes. AAA-BBB-CCC-SILENCE-CCC-BBB-AAA-SILENCE-ABC-ABC-ABC-SILENCE-BBB-BAC-BAC-CAB-CCC. I called it infernally because I still don’t have mastery of it or anyone to play to. This is sounding increasingly real and desperate/normal.

Well, thank you for reading and I just thought of an ending.

The significance of something is not always magnificent when you feel it and magnificence of something is not always significant when you feel it.:)

Take care

Andy

 

On The Phone With a Bone Shaped Cone

It’s past six and I feel like I have achieved nothing today. OK. I did write something earlier but it wasn’t great and I did steal images from google to illustrate it with. So the Angel on my shoulder says. The devil on the other shoulder is not there – he’s probably on holiday in the Bahamas with underage girls raising hell on the some beach resort whilst smoking heroin cigarettes , snorting cocaine out of the crack of some prostitute he picked up while f*****g the Mayors Daughter doggy style while eating hi calorie crisps (chips). While shooting immigrants (too far?) He is the Devil. Meanwhile the idiot profanity scared do gooder sitting on my other shoulder is wondering if he should take Mary Whitehouse to tea or Hymns Ancient And Modern to bed for some light reading entertainment. Psalm anyone?

Me? What do I do? Well I write about the damn infernal things f***ing up my head from the inside while I try to live outside in the world. Sound too profound? I don’t know. I think therefore I am.And I do it without thinking (half the time) so does that mean that someone else is doing the writing? My Ego or SuperEgo? Or is that too profound? Should I take to the stage or write a play? Heard that line before? Never. Good. PetShopBoys. My monitors white balance is fucked. It flashes pink,green,white,grey,yellow. It is about ten years old, still I will probably just move to another monitor as I have another. Now I have moved monitors. Hurrah. I can finally see what I doing although the contrast is not as pronounced on this monitor so its hard to see the blacks. Third monitor and I can see OK but the light is shining down on my keyboard from my desk-lamp so I can’t read the letters on the keys!

I should probably give up and leave for some deserted island where there is an inexhaustible supply of pen and paper. Not really. I also have a laptop. Why all these computers you ask?

Well I kind of accumulated them after I got a laptop I got a cheap second hand desktop one for study then another cheap second hand one for Drawing and images manipulation thingies, games and distractions.And if you’re wondering why that makes three monitors well I already had one that I used for television before I got my new 32″ HD with FireTV Stick. Amazon are you listening? I am giving you free exposure on my blog. Thats worth at least a months PRIME, No?

Hey I once thought it looked good to have three monitors on your desk now I know its better if all three work the same way that you have a room light on instead of a desk-lamp and that there isn’t enough space for one keyboard let alone two and a bottle of beer. Budweiser are you listening?

Whatever next?

I might find a girlfriend and stop writing as she takes over my life. Ha Ha ha. Just scaring myself. No girl could be that bad…surely not. Still I am not 18 anymore. I am not 28 anymore. I am 38 give or take a few weeks. In my prime (Amazon are you listening?) If you want to help then drop me an email and we can chat or Skype!

I need my laptop on this desk.Back in a bit…

There. Service has been resumed. Insert profound piece of poetry.

 

THE MIRROR

No matter how many faces we see the world over,

No matter what makes us weak one day will make us bolder.

 

 

 

Prologue

It’s interesting that when something good has happened that you still go searching for something interesting to say when you could quite easily say. THIS HAPPENED. without shouting of course.

So it is now tomorrow and I am still awake sitting at my computer basking in the glow of a day well spent.

I DID ALL THE THINGS YOU SHOULD DO without shouting of course and I feel great.

But enough of my annoying cheeriness there are plenty of bad sad and mad things happening. Thankfully there are numerous news feeds that will tell you about the worst and the best of these so it leaves me nothing to do except to wish you a happy day and to wish you goodnight. SO.WITHOUT SHOUTING.

Goodnight!

Back flip In Slush

My heart has been yawning for an eternity. Yawn Yawn, Yawn. Then today it got haunted and did a backflip all within the space of two hours. This is an occasion worth writing about. Normally my heart is just ticking away like some indispensable but thoroughly boring part of my anatomy and without wanting to sound elite It doesn’t get moved easily. So imagine my surprise when a thoroughly annoying sound coming from downstairs i.e. building works made it shiver as an old memory caught the wind and billowed in front of me for a few moments. An icy chill made its way across the landscape of my recollection before sticking in its daggers like too many temperature probes at a science fair. Then while reading the blogs of friends on WordPress I felt the all too familiar tug of not knowing enough about someone and my urge that compels me to find out more even though I know that’s as far as it will go, reading a poem on a page and reading some bio. Oh yes, and a slushy backflip did occur. But it was so slushy I might have been mistaken. Anyway, that was my day’s excitement and now you know too.

Rock On!