Alma Step-Mater and Pater


Sorry about the confusing title to this blog. Read on and all if not all then something will be revealed.

‘Twas a strange day with things attached to a certain significance that only could be.

I saw the member of the upper-class before I got home. He was carrying an umbrella and swaggering it like he owned the goddamn road, let alone one of the large houses on it.

I felt his eyes on me, like a fly eyeing up supper and felt so dirty so I straightened myself and walked onwards towards him.

He fingered the area beneath his left eye as we crossed paths and I half imagined him to pull off a monocle I hadn’t seen and shout something at me.

As I got closer to home I reminisced about the past and friendlier times. College days. Warm summers and clean ironed clothes.

When I lost hope in the future I would sometimes go around and visit my Dad and Step-Mother who would spoil me for a couple of hours bringing me tea and even a piece of cake if I was lucky. Anyway one Christmas they brought out a little wooden statue of a guardsman who looked a bit like a Regimental Mascot or Father Christmas. Today I looked out of the window and saw this very same figure on the wall between the house where I live and next door. What was it doing there? I had arranged to see my Dad a few days ago but if he had put it there what on earth did it mean? That I was now under his protection? I went outside with my camera phone and took a picture and then emailed my Dad asking for an explanation if indeed there was one.

Later that day and there was activity outside and I went to my window and saw a lady whom I hadn’t seen beforehand the figure to someone she seemed to be friends with.

No Dad in the protection business after all.

And Do I really need protection? I get nervous sometimes and I do live in a rough neighbourhood but the thought of my dad who is nearly 70 coming to rescue me a 42-year-old male overweight and bearded from 20 something scallies is nonetheless funny, scary and reassuring at the same time.

The following two paragraphs confuse me so you might want to skip them and just read past.

Now I know I said that this day was about a certain significance so let me say this. It (significance) faded like so many other days significant or not slowly like a grease stain, over time.Things used to be significant and magnificent at least in my mind When did this change occur? After the bankruptcy and mental breakdown probably. Just so you know it was a long time ago but some scars take longer to heal. They must or I’d be labrador happy with all the attention I receive.

And just so you know. I prefer cats to labradors as they do not require walking three times a day! Otherwise, dogs are great. I like to end on a cheery note but it feels like someone has removed all the notes above C from my internal infernal keyboard. So here goes. AAA-BBB-CCC-SILENCE-CCC-BBB-AAA-SILENCE-ABC-ABC-ABC-SILENCE-BBB-BAC-BAC-CAB-CCC. I called it infernally because I still don’t have mastery of it or anyone to play to. This is sounding increasingly real and desperate/normal.

Well, thank you for reading and I just thought of an ending.

The significance of something is not always magnificent when you feel it and magnificence of something is not always significant when you feel it.:)

Take care



The Good Companion

I would like to share a story with you of how one man’s companionship changed the world as I knew it for the better, and for the worst. At the end of it, you might think me weak. Half -way through you might think me weak. But I am going to tell my story here.

I had been made bankrupt. I gave up the keys to my flat to the mortgage company. I had no-where to live.

Three years later in declining mental health I found myself living in a flat. I gave up the flat because my health deteriorated so much i couldn’t work any more. I moved into a room.

I was befriended by the guy downstairs and we spent a lot of time together. We smoked skunk weed. We listened to music until the early hours of the day. We went out places at night. I went out places at night. We did not work. We lived on benefits.

I came out to him as GAY. He trashed my flat. I tried to commit suicide. I fell in love with him. He tried to trash me in a  fight. I had him arrested and pressed charges. I ran away to Paris. I was sectioned there. I came home two months later.

In a nutshell that was it.



This poem is the first of three I made on the theme of ‘runs’. As you can see I use the word in the first line.


rabbit runs, bass drums,  hi-hats

rolling and strolling along the path merrily

doffing and snoffing a friend or aquaintance

good morning, how do you do? I am fine How are you?

We are good fine and happy and were off to see the wizard

the wonderful wizard of Vod.

He lives in a cave and sucks the marrow out of his victims bones they say

He never comes out to play, say the children. He lives here but his mind is very, very far away say the grown ups warily,

What say you three? Are you going there? We mean to go and find out how

Does he laugh at people just like now? Can you hear him? Laughing at you?

Rabbit runs bass drums hi-hats

rolling and strolling along the path merrily

doffing and snoffing a friend or acquaintance

Good morning, how do you do? I am fine how are you?

We are good and we have wine and were off to see the wizard,

the wonderful wizard of Vod.

He once drew blood from a cloud and blood from a stick and made the rivers run red

from his vicious hatred of all things human and his preference for things that are dead. Venom runs in his blood like serum.

He once killed a squirrel and hung it up by its tail and with his teeth did suck out the entrails for his lunch.

Giant mushrooms, Giant mushrooms fill his head We think he’d be better off dead!

Rabbit runs, bass drums and  high hats

rolling and strolling along the path merrily

doffing and snoffing a friend or acquaintance

Good morning, how do you do? I am fine, how are you?

We are fine and dandy and we are drinking brandy VSOP For he and she and we are off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Vod!

Now he sees you coming from a mile off. He has cameras and video monitors that will megapixel you onto his giant screen

He has two heads, sometimes three and teeth like sharks going back into his mouth so they when he bites you, it’s impossible to get free.

On his desk is a jar of pickled eyeballs which he eats occasionally.

Oh and, by the way, his Mum disowned him and put his belongs up for sale on eBay.

On Loudspeaker

Imagine, if you will for one second that you throw a ball at the ceiling. At the point it touches it it looks as though the ball is on a white floor and you are the one  hanging upside down from the ceiling by your slippered feet which if you think about it is rather crazy, hanging upside down from the ceiling and bouncing a ball on the floor. Haven t you got anything better to do?

…along the path merrily

doffing and snoffing a friend or acquaintance

Good morning, how do you do? I am fine, how are you?

We are in good spirits and have LSD, dropping tabs is our new glee, multi-coloured lights flashing badgers, whisky and farm tree. You?

Well, I’m off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of Vod!

He lives in a hall that is as high as St Pauls Cathedral and as wide as Wembley

And his servants number in the thousands, three. And as for the money he is wedged, seriously wedged is he.

And as for time – it goes at the speed requested by he -quickly or slowly whatever his mood shall be.

And as for age – at 24 is he stuck permanently but he has the body of a stallion and well fit is he.

And then there s poor little old me. I want to see and learn from him. I want to be like him but I want to be like me.  I have tried and tried and cried and cried because my family suffers greatly. but I cannot provide for them I need money. I hate being me. I want to be more like him. No one else can help Maybe he can do it for me.

Rabbit runs, bass drums and Hi-hats

rolling and strolling along the path merrily

doffing and snoffing a friend or acquaintances

Good morning, how do you do? I am fine, how are you?

Now we are here and a door is marked -Beware do not enter-At the risk of your own sanity!

Surely we have come too far to go back now. We can’t turn around and go home empty handed. We must learn and we must see how to be, free like he is.

Three backs held three heads all looking towards the door handle. One hand reached out and touched it. A bolt of static shoot up the arm of the one of the three and all jumped with surprise. What was that asked one? Nothing said another. The hand on the handle turned it clockwise. It wasn’t locked and the handle turned beautifully. The had pushed at the door and opened inwards did it go followed by the three.

And they found themselves in  a hall as tall as saint pauls and as wide as Wembley.

And all about the place on the walls and upon the back of the door was mirrors as tall as the eye could see.

And a man was sweeping the floor sending up clouds of dust. Excuse me said one of the three. Is the wizard home?

Nah said the man. He doesn’t live here anymore. But I stayed and I sweep the floors polish the chrome you know?

So where is he?

He went bankrupt, personal insolvency. No more credit for him. He had to move out.

But we need to see him…

He left a forwarding address…I can get it for you…

Yes please said one.

The man with a brush went away into the maze of mirrors and the three sat down on the floor.

It’s a big place!’ said one

‘Its lonely’ said another

‘yep, agreed number three.

‘Here you are kids’ said the caretaker. He handed over a piece of folded paper. One took it and opened it.

Room 6, 17 Honey Gardens



FH21 2HY

He isn’t there,’ said a voice

‘Mr Wizard’ said the caretaker. ‘What brings you back here then’

‘Oh, I was passing on my way to look at another Flat.’ Said Mr Wizard

‘These kids were looking for you. I told them that you do not live here anymore’

Well kids lets go outside and talk if you want to still said Mr Wizard


Outside the sun was shining down on the green of the grass and the trees giving it a cheerful appearance. The opposite could be said of Mr Wizrd Who was wearing a grey jacket and trousers. He was unshaven and the collar of his shirt looked like it hadn’t been washed in well in a good while.

‘Are you well Sir’ asked one of the kids.

‘Oh, me. Well, Said Mr Wizard pulling himself up by the lapels of his jacket. ‘Fine Tip-Top’ There were a popping sound and one of the buttons on his shirt popped right off. he’s shirt opened exposing the hairy belly. ‘Yes quite well, thank-you’

In his hand was a smartphone and he typed at it for a second or two.

‘Are you rich?’ Asked one of the kids.

‘Rich? Asked Mr Wizard. ‘I’ve got one of these’ he said pulling back his jacket from his wrist revealing a shiny gold Rolex Watch. ‘Perpetual Oyster’ said Mr Wizard, ‘Winds itself y’know’

Then he said. ‘Per-pet-u-al Oyster, Per-pet-u-al-oyster, per-pet-u-al oyster, living in a cloister’ Then he looked left and right quickly and got down on one knee and held up his arm with the watch on while pointing to it with his free hand.

‘per-pet-u-al-oyster, per-pet-u-al oyster, liv-ing in a cloister! In amongst the hedges. Eating sand-wedges! with my oyster on my wrist and rhyme in my fist coming to getcha, coming to getcha!

One of the three began clapping excitedly.

The other two moved to either side of the kneeling Mr Wizard began human beatboxing a rhyme with a beat. Mr Wizard got up and started rocking with the tune.

‘Yeah,’ he said in time with the beat and began clapping his hands in time.


They Call me Mr Wizard, They call Me Mr Wizard, They Call me Mr Wizard, They call me Mr Wizard and its true I GOT A GIZZARD. I got insides and feeling and I think life’s got a meaning past your money and your time shares and your shiny new toast-airs.


‘yeah it’s true I got a Rolex And I wear it on my wrist I wear it on ma wrist, I wear it on my wristv. Blingy blingy blingy drop it,

the human beatboxers moved to the centre and began making shapes. The other one looked quiet and held her hands in front of her making her arms look like they were really long like an orangutans.

‘I don’t always like being me.’ she said softly.’Its because I’m sad cause my step dad is bad and my mum makes me mad cause they treat me like a child or a teeny little baby when I’m making ends meet on a budget that is tiny and I haven’t got a garden and I really hate knitting – and I really want a baby but my boyfriend is lazy and a SLOB’ She stepped back and Mr Wizard and the two beatboxers moved forwards until all four of them were in a row swaying in time with the beat and clapping their hands.

Three of them sang. ‘We came to see the wizard, we came to see the wizard. He is here still and his voice is loud and clear with a beat and a box and a happy singalong we all rock in life to the song!.

‘Yeah, peeps I wear it around my neck like a giraffe Ha hA hA hA!

‘Beep’ A car horn tooted.

Oh, thats my car guys.

‘oh ahh’ so soon’

The guys let the beat trail off into the ground.

‘Well that was fun!’ said Mr Wizard

‘Represent’ said the girl

‘and you too’ said the wizard giving her a hug.

Well see you around’ said Mr Wizard getting into the taxi’


The taxi drove off and Mr Wizard waved from the window.

‘Ere you lot. You aren’t looking for a place to rent are you. This place is going cheap said the caretaker to the three.
‘Do you fancy a bit of lunch you three. Come and see, come and see.’ said the caretaker cheerily.
© Andrew Watkins,