How Not To Write A Good Poem

Barnacles , Testicles, Wallet , Watch

I must be a good Catholic

I know the Pope can only be a man

I know nothing much else.

AM Watkins

Distilling words into poems

is no joke. Neither is it like making whisky.

Through the vacuum of space like a place in your mind where words are weightless, meaningless

to the fertile cress seeds of wilting inspiration via the vigorous growth spurts to the

bodger making a hole in a balloon of despair

most of the time it feels like its never going to happen.

(let alone rhyme or titillate or prevaricate into one)

I have learned that I wouldn’t know a good poem if it came and bit me on the ass. This is a good place to be while you are tearing out metaphorical RAM and installing upgrades like Mestopholes getting under floor heating in hell (you don’t need it – Geddit)

‘It’ being the thing that says ‘don’t slip up on a banana skin or use cliche’ (the preddominant part of my writing brain) also says that the glass lake is pure even simple. How can I enjoin some excitement to that except through trying an amalgam of the two? Get your skates on that glass pool won’t be pure for ever. And don’t forget ‘Don’t fall over’

Turn out the lights and you might get some idea of the confusion of practice. How do I not make a sentence boring? Well I am not one for making and following rules but like any story a sentence might be better with a begining , a middle and an end. Write sentences with only two words and tell me that its impossible. I don’t and won’t care. I don’t even care that I have not yet gone viral thus proving my poetical thruppence in the game of dominoes that is something like 21st century poetry Slam! I am quite happy writing.

Buddha Step aside! I am the Enlightened one MUHAHHAHA! Or something like that.

See If i had been looking for it I might never have found it. Looking for it does not involve reading the dictionary or encyclopedia or even urban Dictionary. No It’s in the inconstant thoughts that like pedestrians all stop for a Pelican Crossing then when the lights turn Red, all start walking again at their own speed and in their own directions and who eventually end up at some destination. Like the happy tourist photographing Street Photography you can only learn so much about people through their photographs. In real life you have to be a stalker – And follow them. (thoughts not people – and not obsessively like The Hamburgler or Kaiser Soze with murder in mind). And remember Every journey starts with single step.I think thats enough advice for one day.

Stay Tuned!

A Writers Tale

Glued to the spot. My hands already finding the keys, the story not formed in my conscious mind, I swallow my pride and type. Immediately I have a thought. A bit to the left it goes. Huh? A bit to the left of what? The left-hand side of the keyboard? Where are the Q,A,Z? It’s more than likely to be rudder left because when I write Its like  I am in charge of a little ship, somewhere out at sea and the writing is my course and trajectory home to port. That’s port as in dock, not left. Sometimes you think you have found port but it turns out to be an illusion or you do reach port but it’s still wrong because all you have written seems shallow and pointless, worst still uninteresting and boring. But it’s getting to port that matters! Huh! I hate being boring.Throw me a line, Let’s go chase a whale!

Re-writes. I hate re-writes. If it’s being edited for publication then Hey I am accommodating as hell We all want the same thing right? That’s OK but rewrites I do not do. Not like I used to. I would go and add entire paragraphs or even chapters but now I’m happy with what got written so go fly a kite Mr Re-write and leave me be to write something else.

Grammarly. Thank the gods for  the editor-on-the-fly that is Grammarly. Never has it been so easy to fix common mistakes made by all writers ostensibly for free. You have cleaned up my work when all I want to do is publish. and I feel better knowing some clever computer algorithm is doing a job I hate doing.

Erasers are so Last millennium but if you want to use one then draw doodles all over your book making clouds with erasers. You will look so artistic – your friends will love you.

That’s about it for ‘A Writers Tale’ today. We all like going on a journey so if you are thinking about writing get down that first few words and see where it takes you. Happy Reading!


I forgot my first line

so this will have to do

It’s difficult making a rhyme

whilst avoiding cliche

which hides round the corner

ready to say boo got ya (unoriginal writer)

or your mind can go blank completely

as you skate on one rail of the track

before coming off completely.

Thats a short poem on writing and the title (translated as ‘Mass Graves’)  refers to the legions of writers who think they are not good enough so hang up their biro before ever really using it in anger, dammit. It gets me mad.

If you are interested in writing but are not sure how to begin then you could do worst than to read on a bit. Even if this does not apply to you then read on anyway and give me a like. Just because you think I deserve one and your’e a decent sort of guy.(or gal)

Really it’s like doing a jigsaw where the pieces

move themselves from one place to another

or just disappear from view only to resurface later on

when you’ve already compromised and prevaricated

Space has been filled, the jigsaw forced. Do I go

back and complete. To be honest that’s even harder

with no guarantee of success, I’ve found. To forget again

or come off the tracks or lose a piece is just too easy.

Bless the work you have completed and don’t forget

it might mature on the shelf instead of being published on your blog

which is already overflowing with works half done new and old.

If you want my advice see the car-washer in the summer playing Eminem

Or the good life, find someone with money and live the life of Riley.

Your writing will improve a car on loan

I only said that cause it rhymes and to avoid cliche

which is like a bogeyman. sometimes scary, sometimes necessary (see title)

The jaded writer, tired of his baby steps might try something new

like a walk around the block and see if his words flow more eloquently.

He might be surprised at what he sees with his eyes upon return to

the screen and keyboard.(Or he might just be all surprised to shit again).

and might seem to live in a sober stupor where everything is irrelevant except the

full stops which end it period. Sadly it’s all commas if your lucky or just non-stop prose

that gets under your skin and in your eyes and up your nose. Note. The pause between words may be long. Very long.

But let’s do not forget the blue sky sunshine on your face and barbequed chicken.

All of which are great! Yum yum, Good on a plate.

But if you like words you have no choice Try to make a cake out of adjectives and verbs and put it into the oven

whilst holding your nerve. Words chose you. You are good enough.

Write from your point of view be that the head or the heart and use the internet and books and friends and family.

Be bold, avoid cliche and have a big heart.

x Andy

A well known cliche of the jaded, burnt out nobody writer may have been used to add effect and drama to this piece despite my warnings to avoid cliche again and again.Sorry.;)