Things You’d Like To Say To Cold Callers

Go away you annoying parasite!

You are the equivalent of a baboon’s brightly coloured arse announcing ‘Shit is on its way’

You are the shit in a chimpanzees shit flinging fight.

There is leaf and there is litter, there is shit and there is shittier. You win every time.

Oh! shit is the  grease that runs the sewers where rats copulate amongst last week’s dinners.


Did you know that cheery sounding voices will evolve evolutionary like into a monotone where we all speak like robots?

You are the missing link between computer and man. You will be studied, monetized and exploited every day. Or did that already happen?

Yes. What can I buy from you today! Oh, you’re not selling anything. You want my opitime vis my opinion and time. vis control of my brain for a while. Well how would you like me to call you and ask for your opitime heh? Give me your number and a time right in the middle of your free time. What do you mean you don’t want to? Its FREE!

Oh you are doing a survey. Well thats opitime by another name. I would like to do a survey of my own. What is your name? How Old Are your parents? How many times were you dropped on your head as a child? You weren’t. Are you sure?

Oh you want to see if i want to change my regular donation to my chosen charity. Go on then. Read me the latest leaflet making the facts sink home by pausing after every unction like a syncopated watermelon walrus hybrid. You’ll call back. Well DON’T BLOODY BOTHER!


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