Mr Dumbfuck

He walked into a restaurant and asked for the manager.

‘Oi. You. Out!’ shouted the manager to Mr Dumbfuck.

‘Look. You owe me for a meal you tight fisted wanker!’ said Mr Dumbfuck angrily.

‘Are you picking a fight with me?’ asked the manager

‘I’ll fight you if I have to you ninny-brained excuse for a meerkat’ replied Mr Dumbfuck calmy. ‘But first I want my money back,’

The two men squared off to each other and if you could see it steam was coming from their ears.

Mrs.Carbody walked in for her morning cup of tea and spied the two men but walked on right past to her usual table.

‘Morning, Mrs Carbody,’said the manager.

‘Dennis,’ acknowledged Mrs Carbody ‘My usual please,’

‘Right away Mrs Carbody,’ said Dennis, the manager.

‘Look you. I want a refund or I’ll be on to trading standards,’ said Mr Dumbfuck poking the managers tie with one stiff finger.’I’ll be waiting over here,’

‘Don’t you poke me you whining middle-class beurocratic nobody,’ said Dennis fuming.

‘I’ll be expecting that refund then,’ said Mr Dumbfuck sitting down.

‘Well this is nice,’ said Mrs Carbody reading a newspaper. ‘Look Dennis, Mabelforth has won regional best-dressed roundabouts 2014! It says councillor Tom Jones will pick up the award at noon on Friday”

‘mmm.Yes Mabelforth is well known for its roundabouts, Mrs Carbody’ said Dennis, the manager.

‘mmm,’ agreed Mrs Carbody.

‘I’m still waiting,’ shouted Mr Dumbfuck.

Dennis glanced at a waitress who came over to where he was. ‘The usual for Mrs Carbody Jane’

‘The usual. Five minutes MmmK?’ said Jane writing down the order on her notepad. She turned and walked back to the kitchen.

Dennis smiled at Mrs Carbody ‘I’ll have that brought over to you when it’s ready,’

Mrs Carbody said ‘Thankyou Dennis,’ and went back to reading her paper.


‘That’s a cup of tea and an Iced finger’ Said Dennis placing the cup and plate containing the iced finger bread on the table.

‘Thats a cup of tea and an iced finger’ mimicked Mr Dumbfuck from the doorway.’Refund, Refund, Refuuuund’ he shouted banging his fist on the table making the cutlery and condiments rattle in their tray.

‘Have you forgotten about me Dennis?’ said Mr Dumbfuck sarcastically.’I’m still waiting’

He stood up and walked over to where Mrs Carbody was sitting. ‘Mrs Carbody’ mimicked Mr Dumbfuck in the style of Dennis, the manager.’ Good morning, Mrs Carbody. How delightful to see you again’ he said picking up the salt cellar and unscrewing the cap. Then he poured the contents into the cup of tea standing on the table’ Would you like sugar with your tea, Mrs Carbody?Would you like me to stir?’he said leaning in close to Mrs Carbody.

Mrs Carbody moved her head back and away from the leering Mr Dumbfuck in fright.

‘Would you like me to stir? repeated Mr Dumfuck now an inch from her face.

A whimper escaped Mrs Carbody as she clenched the table cloth in both hands.

Taking hold of the cup with his hand he lifted it to his face, took a deep sniff of the cup and sighed loudly’ Beautiful..But I prefer it shaken!’ And with that he shook the cup making tea fling all over himself Mrs Carbody and Dennis.’Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Tea for everyone’ said Mr Dumbfuck throwing the cup down. He turned on Dennis and said quietly ‘Now get me my refund’

Tea running down his face Dennis just blinked and looked back at Mr Dumbfuck.

‘I said…’

There was a loud bang and Mr Dumbfuck grunted and fell to the floor jerking like a freshly slaughtered chicken.

‘Something I always keep for emergencies Dennis,’ said Mrs Carbody smiling. In her hand she was holding  a Police Taser, its wires still embedded in the jerking Mr Dumbfuck.

‘Yes Mrs Carbody’ Said Dennis Smiling.

Published by Andrew Mark Watkins

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