Ten O’Clock

It’s later than ten and I am still trying to figure out how I am different from before. Assuming there was something called love that happened and that this thing can be untangled from the rest of my life, I would be looking at the time before this happened to see how I was then, looking into my past life for the answers, it seems.

Someone once said about the past ‘the past is a foreign language’. It’s pretty vague as far as instructions go. A foreign language called ‘InsertNameHere’ would have been more constructive. A prayer answered gives a result of ‘you were in love, but before you weren’t’. Simple and as feelings go I can remember the feeling of being in love and of before when it felt uncomfortable, to say the least. So there we have it! Before and after, or during. But wait. That was not my question. My question was ‘How am I different now from before?’ (after)

Well, I had this feeling called love which flew me to Paris, threw me into the Seine and then hung me from the Arch De Triomphe to dry which is what happened in Paris figuratively at least. Riverboats and artists stalls and the Notre Dame Cathedral included. Paris science museum included. Submarines too. But I digress.

I have to get back to that city for a few days. I have to.♥. My quest to see Paris how it was without frills, following the trails left by artists in Montmartre and drinking black espresso on a rickety cast iron table.

As for my quest to find out how I am different now. Well, I still don’t know really. Maybe if I were a candle my flame would be burning more blue than yellow. If I were an artists brush I would favour watercolours to oils or to gouache. If I could compare the engines of my car from now and then I would see that my current engine is a cleaner burner of fuel, more efficient and less prone to breakdowns.

If I were put into a taxi in Paris today I would head for the same place again.

So what is different now except for the fact that I have done something, experienced something that perhaps after the fires burned down a bit gave me the good reason to pause and think something undefinable had happened and that it damn near killed me. But as the serendipitous amongst us will note. It didn’t.

When you imagine the caterpillar going into his cocoon to sleep before he wakes as a moth or butterfly there is never any talk of pain. In my experience change is accompanied by some struggle between what is now and what wants to be. Violent struggles may ensue, sweat bled and hair torn out. You might forget the living memory but you will remember when the conditions are right.

Confidence is something I never used to have except superficially putting a smile on everything I was too afraid to ‘ask for more’. Dickensian my upbringing was. Dickens books lined the length of my parents bookshelves. The Artful Dodger was intimidating to me as a child. I remember thinking I couldn’t be like him ever yet he earned the admiration of my parents approval easily and wasn’t even real. But I want to to stick to the knitting here lest I get entwined in a cats game with wool. To say my confidence in me has not been affected by spending so many hours alone with one person who wanted to share those hours with me would be wrong. OK love is not a bowl of cherries but it has lots of redeeming features -confidence being one.

And some effects of love linger on longer than others may.And there are many ways to improve your confidence. If you want to learn card tricks do so, if you want to read about Pokemon do so, if you want to sleep around…

Draw, paint, write, sing, cook, read, look, listen. Talk. Try something new! Think about what inspires you and act it out with a friend.Drive them around the bend!

I think the answer to my question is in there somewhere. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself of what question you are asking or questions but as for advice, that’s another ‘foreign language’.

So feelings, travel, a quest, imagination, resolve, drama, change, affection, rewards all contributed to something, my experience of those events was real. Some changes are long lasting, others goals achieved and somewhere new to stand and look from and wonder again…




Published by Andrew Mark Watkins

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