is Dead Long Live

I might get in trouble for this. I just gave myself a writing prompt is all and all things on the Internet die eventually. I’m just ahead of my time. Google directory. Dead. Myspace. dead. Demon Internet? 56k Modems dead.286 processors. dead.

So on a dreary cold Saturday morning I am going to talk about moving on which as you all know is one of the biggest euphemisms around. If you haven’t heard of euphemisms before then death and other unsavoury facts you may or not know is sometimes watered down for tender ears by an attempt to soften the blow through euphemising. So instead of death we talk of passing away, moving on, closing the book, opening a new chapter, going into the beyond, etc.  I have barely got started such is the vastness of territory of deaths lesser known cousins. We could wallpaper Canada at least with the full list, then perhaps Siberia or the whole of Russia (without causing an international incident by excluding Georgia)

So moving onto another use of ‘moving on’. You may have guessed already it’s another wallpaper Canada job. Hiding a plethora, I said a plethora of sins. Been caught stealing at work? You may still get a reference. Asked why did you leave suddenly by a client? ‘Oh, I moved on…’ To better things presumably. What if there was a fight and you got moved to another department. ‘Oh, I got moved on’. The Police even use this phrase when trying to get people to go away. ‘Move On’ they say ‘Move on’ when what they really mean is something else entirely.

So are you getting the hang of this. Euphemisms. Move On instead of Go Home you rubbernecking bastards.

It’s rich, the English language. So they say. So why do we have to invent new phrases to say things like sacked, death etc? Is it the English themselves? I reckon it is. We are touchy about this sort of thing. It’s in the cornflakes (cereals)  in the water (treatment). I mean it’s everywhere.

We don’t have bin men anymore but waste refuse collection operatives. and we don’t have cleaners in the NHS we have Service Support Officers. Did you know that euphemism is itself a euphemism for ‘cover up’, ‘white-wash’,’ ‘befuddle’ and ‘bedtime-story’? Well, you do now.

I got a bit sidetracked by ‘moving on’ perhaps I should ‘move on’ to something else. The metaphor is a good one. He moved heaven and earth. He dropped a clanger. He opened a new door for himself and his family. Again the possibilities are endless. (more wallpaper?)

One useful thing about metaphors (when writing) though one fact that I always took for granted was that metaphors come with baggage. What I mean to say is that there are certain assumptions that can be made when metaphors are used. For Example. If you say My whole life is in this bag/box/house whatever you are not only saying that ‘things that are very important to me are in this bag/box/house’ but also assuming I dunno that you could add more to that bag/box/house and have a new updated version of yourself. Now I think about it I don’t think that’s metaphor at all, or it’s a complicated one.mmm.

Alternatively you could take something away, but it would still be your bag/box/house, just slightly different. In case you’re getting confused (i know I am) the simplest example of this ‘assumption with metaphor’ is that if life is a journey then it must have a destination. Got It? If life is a journey then it must have a destination. OK.

It’s very early in the day. I think I might have a bagel.

Now I am bagels up. I still haven’t had more than an hours sleep since yesterday afternoon. Yawn! I have a full hot cup of tea steaming beside me, a hanky for my snotty nose and frostbite of the nose, OK I haven’t got frostbite of the nose only there is a limit as to, with no central heating or thermostat you can survive without knocking on the electric fire. But I’m too stingy. Instead, I put on another jumper/fleece/layer. And it’s not cold but draughty. I have slept in more windproof bivouacs in my time than in my bed under my windows. Strewth. I need to invest in a sleeping bag supplement I think. If anyone knows of any good deals on thermal sleeping bags let me know, OK?

In the meantime, I will try to think of something to write. Football. Its Saturday today and its Football day (and sometimes Sunday is Football Day and Wednesday Nights, Tuesday nights, Monday Nights, Thursday nights I am not sure) and In England we have the Premier League. The Championship. Then countless lesser divisions all of whom are eligible for the FA Cup competition. But football aside.

It’s the morning and I am tired now yet not tired. One eye shut, one eye open.







Published by Andrew Mark Watkins

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