12 Noon. I have 12 hours to live and in that time I need to fall in love to fulfill some ancient prophecy of the world about condom wearing penguins taking over Ice Station Zebra and beginning a Green Carbon Free revolution.
So I go hang out at a bar I know for an hour. Nothing. One hopeful who I stare at out of the corner of my eye. Half Japenese or Korean kid with that clean long black hair with dyed blond highlights look. I am close to falling right in love with this guy as he talks to his female companion about Carbon Neutral Double Glazing and Solar Panels business he runs with his Armenian friend. Gadzooks! Global sOLAR cARBON fREE mELTDOWN IN MY PANTS ON FIRE!!.
I sense the smoke rather than smell it and notice I have burned a hole in my pants with my cigarette. I pat it and pat red hot melted fibres against my inner thigh which makes me scream.
Solar Boy and his friend look around as I pour drink over my crotch while groaning in relief.
I wave and grin and they grin and wave right back at me.
‘Hot!’ I shout holding my empty glass in the air.
‘Cheers!’ they shout back holding their half full glasses high.
This was far too normal I needed to fall in love to save the world from Carbon Rain and Hurricanes or the spectre of Condom wearing penguins taking over the world.
So I decide to go and see a romantic Film.
Blah, Blah, The lead is very good looking in an American Farm Boy way but some sort of freak in that everything he says he laughs at. It is so annoying. Another hopeful, though. Another pasty faced farmboy but one with a heart that he wears on his sleeve. And he has been gored by a cow on steroids while milking a goat which then headbutts him. He falls and he lies face down on the water trough half drowning calling for his mother. This is not good He then gets rescued and kisses a girl, presumably not his mother. This is a turn off so love goes out the window again.
I am getting pissed off now So I get the bus and decided to try my home turf instead.
I sit down and see the hair of a ponytailed boy a few seats ahead of me which a nice mix of blonde and brown. He is talking on his mobile and every few minutes he reaches behind and tugs on his hair which spring back into shape. Bouncy bouncy. This is good. His sideburns are dark brown almost black and he has pierced ears. His voice is like a tenon saw blade, sharp-edged but long and drawn out like a synthesiser well tuned. Could he be Mr lover man. An overweight pensioner woman sits down in front of me the next stop so he is blocked from view and the people behind me begin arguing which drowns out his voice. And it’s my stop now. I get up just as ponytail boy has a paralysing stroke. His face and arms and eye almost drop out of its socket. Gross! I leave quickly as my Vans will take me.
Home turf. I try McDonalds. I get there just after dusk and the usual black guys and hanging around outside. I do knuckles and head inside.
In here I use my scratch card to claim my free quarter pounder with cheese and order a chocolate milkshake to go.
I take a seat and begin munching. The usual alternative girls working behind the counters are of no interest, but the manager looks a bit buff. He walks in front of the counter and I get a nice view of him from behind. He must work out a lot, I think. His buns are stretching the material of his pants and I can see the outline of his jockstrap underneath.
I decide to act. I go to the counter and see there are no serviettes. I say to the manager ‘ Hey dude there are no serviettes.’ He goes over to the counter and opens a cupboard door and bends right over in front of me. His ass must be 3 feet from my face. I try not to salivate too hard. He restocks the counter and turns and hands me a few serviettes with a smile.
Revealing black teeth. UUURRRGHHHH! I mutter thanks and return to sit down.
Someone has cleaned my meal away.
Fucking assholes I shout before storming out.
I walk the two miles home in a rage. I have forgotten all about the need to fall in love and save the world from condom wearing penguins Carbon Free Revolution and am thinking instead of food and drink.
I go up to my room and switch on the TV. It is Saturday night and Its the X Factor. Pizza ready and soda poured I dig in. It’s the judges houses round and the hopefuls are auditioning besides fancy pools and on balconies with amazing views. I begin to feel like I hate myself and switch it off.
I stomp into the bathroom and spy happy pills in the cabinet. Would that help me save the world? I decide to give it a try. I take a handful and swallow them. I rinse with a soda back in my room. The music of X factor is coming on and it’s a black girl soprano. I listen mesmerised. Her voice is like walking into the museum of the ancient world as a child and seeing your first dinosaur bone. I am five again. And she sings I begin to weep. It’s transcendental. I sob. and the song ends. Cheryl Cole breaks into (supposedly) spontaneous applause. then the power goes off.
Hey, kids the powers off dude! I shout. Wheeeeeee.
Then a bus crashes into the front of the house. A fire breaks out and black smoke begins to fill the house. I escape out the back door with a few survivors and that when I see the boy wearing a t-shirt. I saved the world from condom wearing penguins emblazoned all over it.
My eyes light up. I go closer and try to make small talk. He asks me Do you want to buy twenty thousand E’s. I reply in the affirmative and he puts his arm around me as we sit and talk about the small stuff.
The moon is reaching its apogee and I tell him about my mission which began eleven and a half hours ago. He laughs and says ‘don’t sweat the small stuff. I puke up my happy pills getting it all over his jeans and jacket. What’s wrong with you he asked me?
Pills I said. He smiles and hugs me closer.
In the distance, a church tower begins chiming midnight. As the final bong approaches I say to him I love you.
Then he grins stands up peeling off his jacket and clothes revealing himself to be a condom wearing penguin. Laughing at me waving his latex covered thing around in front of him.
I have just seconds to live and all seems lost. I look once more to the heavens when I see my reflection in the flickering flames of the burning house. I look awesomely beautiful. I am in love again. The penguins erection shrinks and he moans NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo! The final bong of midnight and my eyes close and I exhale for the final time. Mission accomplished I think World Saved.