The only person I have felt something deep for in my adult life was seen a part of the ‘problem’, not the ‘cure’.The same person made me feel loved. The same person made me feel wanted, and amongst other things, useful, intelligent, creative, friendly. But you wouldn’t take him home to meet your mother (although I would have – My mother is quite unflappable)
My family, who, on the whole, have the opposite effect on me are the ‘solution’ hardworking, successful, reliable, trustworthy, god acknowledged folk who are seen to work hard consistently and who you could turn to in a crisis.
In a crisis, when you don’t have the solution, you want to feel secure.
Let’s call this a game, life number one, you can win or lose or both.
How do you do both? I hear you ask…
Both is what I want (I can’t help winning at some things), but one is all I have.
Now the ‘problem’ is gone I have only my ‘sine wave on acid’ emotions as I have named them for the purpose of this piece and my physical family for company.
But a crisis looms (as always) and I feel insecure. So what can I do?
- Turn to drink? Makes me feel better by providing a high and a low at the same time.
- Go in search of nighttime pleasures? which provide brief feelings of togetherness.
- Write more? which is like a drug.
- Search for Mr Right? (who is actually out there-somewhere-of this I am convinced) seemingly impossible – Where Do I begin? Aren’t I better of alone?
Well! What a conundrum!
I should also bring into the picture/equation/conundrum a couple more factors
- I am signed off sick from any work due to an enduring mental health condition which on the plus side gives me loads of free time but on the downside makes me feeble – eauuurgghh pass me a hanky!
- Time. The moon keeps rising and waxin’ and wanin’ and the seasons come and go like buses. Time waits for no-one, baby.
- Loneliness – If you live alone you must get lonely, Right? Or overwhelmed by huge tasks like finding Mr Right, Right? Erm, I think so.(yes)
- I am out of the closet to my friends (long time since I saw them) and my family (Who don’t mention it) I forget most days. – I only found out by chance so it’s not like I can just repeat what I did before, right?
- It’s probably unwise to ask a general public for help with one’s otherness. I mean I could be asking a mass murderer, right? YDK (You don’t know)
Well, there we have it. So far…
- I have fulfilled a long forgotten about bucket list item ‘Get one of those personal relationship blogs’ -Unintentional, mais vrai (but true).
- I did some more writing (which brought a smidgeon of pleasure)
- I have briefly elucidated a problem (or two) standing between me and Mr (Or Mrs -I am an open minded type of guy) Right.
This is a relationship blog with a difference. I do not have the answers. I honestly do not know what is going to happen…if anything, in the next two weeks. But if you are interested press the follow button and find out what comes next…and I might not be focussed enough…something might happen to me…I will probably forget all about this…
Thanks for reading…see you.