Such was the time that I thought aftershave was the height of mans perfection and sophistication. I forgot a car and a boardroom position to which a secretary was provided, along with oak furniture and sash windows but they were added later. I heard that was called an afterthought, but like I said before, that was later.

I was pondering and as usual my thoughts turned to that of the ideal man with all he wanted. Why I wanted to think about this i do not know. Was it peer pressure? Was I programmed? My mind today, more cynical, quote by quote, or rather thought by thought through a lens. It’s pathetic!. Not my mind. Its my thoughts and fucking words. Which get in the way of perfectly formed ‘ums’. I like that word and its use. Imagine a crossroads. Easy. Everyone can do that. Now imagine an argument with four chords, that is, four colours. I don’t know what you call these ‘colours’ though. And i hate ‘ums’. sometimes. I get loneley.

Conversation is a bummer. You can’t say that or follow peas with sprouts. Fuck that. Everything that is natural is not messed up by straight lines and formality. Fuck your rules (you heartwrnechingly lovely man) and walk on the wildside you hopefully alluded to with your choice of music (fucking heathen). But i digress. It’s pathetic!

Imagine a meter rule, like the one in Paris in a temperature controlled case. Now imagine a baby seal. Let your mind do the rest. Needless to say, the two do not mix and never the twain shall meet. Why does this need explanation? Science? I wonder.

Writing fiction is crazy. Words have a life of their own. All is not lost. Walls have ears. It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well. Words Words, Words. And where was I? I have no fucking idea. Um’s.

Ums are like friendly ghosts. Ums are like Cinemas. You go in (you are born) you pay the cost of admission (you grow up/older) and you see the world in a certain way. Such a thing can be drawn and approached with words (tentatively¬† – at first perhaps) then with raging torrents of words like white water. Then a pool. Then confusion, doubt, pain and loss (madness). Rejoice for you have found certainty in an uncertain world. ‘Um’. This Um pervaded while you were out expanding your mind, experimenting and enjoying yourself while you were young. This Um came back to you during the comedowns and on Sunday’s whilst eating bacon paninis and blueberry pancakes. Nice. But the Um transcends worldy pleasures and pains…


So. Where are a Um now? Where is an Um when you need one?

Seals and long bits of metal. Do you feel lost? A bit? Me too. Give me an Um over an argument any day.

Published by Andrew Mark Watkins

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