I don’t know who I am writing this letter to yet I am simply following through on an idea I had about how I might meet / share / make friends with someone who understands and is willing to base a friendship on the basis of an honest letter.
I am attracted to both sexes but in unequal amounts. Physically I am attracted to women but emotionally I am attracted to men. There is emotion where there is physical attraction and vice versa but one dominates. I can also be physically attracted to men without emotion (or much, unless you include lust as an emotion) but it is with a man that I have formed my strongest ever feelings of love, adoration and sheer excitement at being near him. It sounds funny now but that is how it was. It was animalistic and romantic at the same time. I could have covered him in gateau and licked it off or read poetry to him for hours, whatever his heart desired.
I wrote this letter and amongst the other stuff i wrote at the time it sounds positively clear headed. I wrote so much tripe but that is what a journal is for I suppose. One day i might wake up and be able to write like Conan Arthur Doyle but i wont lose any sleep waiting for it.
Back to the letter. Yes I was making sense to me, and hopefully to you, dear reader. Where to aim then. Should i target a sexy lover or a happy companion? What is the most rewarding or can bring the biggest opportunity of love? I am going to a coffee morning next week (oh shit i spoke about the future, now it wont happen) I am hopeless at finding love. I have never once found love while I was looking for it . Perhaps I should learn from that. There is a saying that says something along the same lines so perhaps i should just get on with my life and wait for it to turn up again. Such lack of a plan in something so important seems lopsided compared with even something as mundane as a weekly shop which i plan for. My social life is limited to a ‘never been to before’ coffee morning and the odd friend and my family. I can’t ever see it coming again.
I don’t mean to burden you dear reader. If you feel helpless too then perhaps knowing someone else is feeling the same now somewhere in the world will give you hope in solidarity, no matter how intangible it seems. No matter how bleak the present may seem I take comfort in knowing that i have been in worst shtuck before now and still come out smiling. You never know what is coming, that is one of the beauties of life. Sianara For Now.